Hypochondrus Maximus

by Michelle on January 30, 2013

You know on the Road Runner cartoon how they showed the road runner and Wile E. Coyote in freeze frame with their scientific names?

Yeah, imagine me…clutching my chest, thermometer in my mouth and a headache bag on my head. My scientific name would be Hypochondrus Maximus.

This has been a rough Winter for me, healthwise. I’ve had a migraine since last year. I’ve had sinus infections, head colds and anxiety attacks from hell. Which makes all the fucking sense, right? THINGS ARE FINE! Everything has been going great..so why in the fuck is my anxiety in full swing? The anxiety attacks caused all kinds of troubling symptoms. Pain in my carotid artery areas. Chest pains, shortness of breath.

Before I go any further, these symptoms are NEVER to be ignored..even if you’re a crazy ass hypochondriac like I am. If you have any of these symptoms, please stop reading this silly ass blog and call your doctor.

The symptoms were severe enough that the doc ordered blood work, x-rays, EKG and a stress test.

I am happy to say that I am in excellent cardio health. No heart attack or stroke for me. stetho

Still, the fear I’ve felt over my health for the past few months has been bad, even for me. I find myself with these thoughts:

If the last song I hear is by Adele, I am going to be pissed off for ETERNITY.

Don’t eat that. If you stroke out, do you really want a stale poptart to be your last meal?

If I die at work, I am haunting these motherfuckers until they GO INSANE.

Now that my doc has given me a clean bill of health, I’m thinking maybe some of the anxiety will subside. And hoepfully, the new meds my doctor gave me will make this headache from hell go back to the underworld where it belongs.

In the meantime..I am once again reminded that getting from chubby nearly 50 year old woman to the hot as fuck grandma that I KNOW I can be…well…there’s always going to be obstacles. I might have health issues to deal with, but I can’t let hypochondria continue to be one of them.

I come from a long line of hypochondriacs. I’ve learned from pros. I’m like one of those spies who has been trained from birth, except instead of espionage, I am proficient in worrying about health issues that don’t exist.

How exactly, does one stop being a hypochondriac?




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