Who Needs Cosmo?

by Michelle on November 9, 2012

Which is WAY different from who needs A cosmo? I am not a fan of foo foo drinks, but I do LOVE me a good cosmo.

What I’m talking about is the magazine. And not just Cosmo, all the women’s magazines. I used to lust over the clothes and accessories in Lucky magazine, which quite frankly, did not come in my size and even if they did, were not in my budget. I read Better Homes and Gardens and learned all the reasons why I didn’t have a better home or garden.

Those magazines just serve to make us feel inadequate.

I am going to offer you a replacement. Words for REAL women.

269 Ways To Please Your Man: FUCK THAT. 269 ways to please a man? We don’t NEED 269 ways to please a man. Showing up works 99% of the time. Here’s a sentence that will please your man EVERY time: ‘Fine…but don’t mess up my hair’. Trust me, he’ll be happy. Sure..there are times that we can put in some effort and he’ll appreciate it but we don’t need to fret over making sure our men are ‘pleased’. In all honesty, I believe that a healthy relationship works best when both parties are concerned with each other’s needs. I despise these articles because the very titles put us in both a position of servitude and a position of responsibility which suggests that we cater to an unbalanced relationship. Or am I being too hard on the ‘Please Your Man’ articles?

Make The Perfect Thanksgiving Centerpiece: Or how about this? Don’t fucking make the centerpiece. If you are hosting a family dinner, then you already have a shit ton to take care of. Is a homemade centerpiece REALLY going to add much to the mix? Sure, a few people commenting on how great it looks MIGHT feed your ego a little bit, but is that going to be worth the time to make it when that time could be better spent scraping dried ketchup from the front of your refrigerator? In the end, it’s just going to get in the way anyway. Here is how the conversation will go:

Aunt Bertha: “Why, Sally..I haven’t seen you in so long. Are you still married to your 3rd husband? And that little boy you brought, that IS his daddy that you brought with you, right”?

Sally: “Yes, Aunt Bertha, I’m still married to my 3rd husband and as far as I know, he IS Billy’s daddy. Now, could you pass me the butter and a very sharp knife”?

Aunt Bertha: “You know, I can’t see you with this thing in the way. Why don’t we move it out of the way so it doesn’t get messed up”.

Sally: “What is this supposed to be, anyway”?

And with that, your elaborate turkey that you made out of uncooked macaroni, dental floss and aqua net will be put in a corner and more than likely kicked around or even eaten by a niece or nephew.

This Season’s Must Have ‘It’ Bag: Bullshit. You don’t HAVE to have an ‘It’ bag. Unless it’s a cousin It bag, cause that would be cool. Face it, it doesn’t matter what size bag you buy. If it’s too small, you can’t fit all your shit in it. If it’s too big, you won’t be able to find your shit. It’s just a tool to carry around a few essentials and to hold receipts. That’s it. A serviceable bag is all you need. And it sure as FUCK doesn’t have to cost hundreds of dollars.

How To Get Hair/Legs/Eyes Like <a Kardashian, Hilton, Jersey Shore cast member>:  First of all, it’s not going to happen. No matter WHAT YOU DO, do you know whose hair, legs or eyes you’re going to have? Yours. Embrace what it yours. Don’t try to look like someone else and for all that is holy, let’s stop trying to emulate these people who shouldn’t be famous in the first place. It’s our fault, you know. We’re the reason why Honey Boo Boo has a television show. We’re the reason why Toddlers and Tiaras exists.

Lose 20 Pounds In 20 Days: HAHAHAHA. You’re not supposed to lose 20 pounds in 20 days. Is it possible? Fuck, I don’t know. I suppose dismemberment would do the trick. Getting into shape isn’t easy and it isn’t quick. If you care enough about yourself to commit, you’ll get there. But don’t set unreasonable expectations of yourself. Unreasonable expections aren’t helpful when it comes to weight loss. Trust me on this. I am an expert on setting unatainable goals. This is one of the things that keeps that 20 pounds packed firmly on my ass. What happens when you read this article and then attempt to follow a regime that is nearly impossible and then you DON’T lose 20 pounds? You get discouraged. I don’t know about you, but my road to hell is paved with discouragement and Butterfinger wrappers.

Who is with me? Let’s stop letting a handful of people decide for us how we should look and entertain and dress. What the fuck do they know about the real world anyway? Let them have their world. We’ll take ours and fill it the way we see fit.

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristen November 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

Know what my boyfriend would want if he saw me reading that article? For me to put it down and take off my clothes. He doesn’t need 269 ways, nor does he want it. He wants a willing partner (me), now (usually). The end.

I’ve definitely used the line – ‘Fine…but don’t mess up my hair’. And yes, he was happy.

I like your advice MUCH better and it doesn’t leave me feeling inadequate – SCORE!

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Michelle November 9, 2012 at 10:55 am

Thank you. It’s actually been quite a while since I’ve bought one of those rags..but honestly, I wish I would have figured out much sooner that they made me feel bad.

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Deb November 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

I used to read them when I was 18 or 19, and mainly because for some reason I thought I should be reading the lame ass sex tips. As you said, show up. And if you bring beer, pizza, wings, and/or lingerie, he’s more than pleased. Guys are easy like that.

As to the impossible physical ideals, well, yeah, there’s a few celebs I’d like to have their bodies. But I am NOT them. Never going to be, so I’m going to have to make the most out of what I’ve got! I’m okay with that.

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Michelle November 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

They are simple creatures, aren’t they? :)

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Hubs November 9, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Ooo Oooo uh huh

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Michelle November 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I didn’t mean YOU…I meant all those other guys.

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Hubs November 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Beer foamy. Beer good.

Michelle November 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

oooohhh..I love it when you quote Buffy.

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MS November 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I once lost 13 pounds in two days. Of course, I gave birth one of those days – but I’m still counting it.

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Michelle November 9, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Okay…that DOES count.

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Joanna November 10, 2012 at 11:04 am

I loved this!! I literally laughed out loud, and then when I’d finished laughing – I read it to Hubby. He thought of something pretty smart.. he said that most men – if they knew a woman had 269 tricks up their sleeve or even worried that much would run for the hills. They like it simple. They don’t give a rats ass how much effort you put in to doing stuff, as long as you’re there. Ah, isn’t he sweet?

Oh, and I said out loud “Fuck that!” when I read the centerpiece part. I cook Thanksgiving dinner for about 15 people each year – they don’t get a centerpiece. And, if they don’t like it.. they can cook their own dinner at their own damn house!

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Ragemichelle November 10, 2012 at 11:11 am

Thank you! And your hubs is a smart man.

Yeah, it will be somewhere between 15 – 18 for me as well..and there won’t be a centerpiece. I’ll be lucky to have enough chairs.

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Carin November 10, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I’ve seen people lose that much weight on Biggest Loser but they eat strict calories and workout 10 hours a day, 6 days a week (which no one outside the BL Ranch will be capable of doing)

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Michelle November 12, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Maybe I should apply

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Ara November 12, 2012 at 2:22 am

Those articles, if I read them, I read them for a good laugh. They are SO unattainable and the least realistic articles I’ve ever read. If I do read them, I go in to them with an open mind and know that they will never happen. Usually I read the style ones to see what’s in style so when I go shoppin’ at the Wal-Mart, maybe I can find something that looks similar for a 1/4th of the price of what’s in the magazine. Lol.

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Michelle November 12, 2012 at 2:50 pm

That’s smart shopping, right there!

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hollow tree ventures November 12, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Hear, hear! I’m glad to see those magazines haven’t changed, since I rarely have time these days to read anything that wasn’t written from the perspecive of a cartoon, anyway. That’s the good part about kids’ books, I guess – none of the characters have body image issues or feel a need for designer handbags. I still have Pinterest to throw that stuff in my face, though.

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Michelle November 12, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I haven’t gotten into pinterest at all. I’m afraid to..I can’t afford any more time sucks.

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Tara Burner November 14, 2012 at 7:19 am

ROFLMAO hysterically here
Loved every point!!!!!!

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Ragemichelle November 14, 2012 at 8:10 am

Thank you, Tara!!!

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runinboise November 17, 2012 at 3:23 am

yay for cosmos! as for the magazine, i can’t say i have read one since high school – when such topics were important.

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Michelle November 17, 2012 at 8:10 am

I admit I am guilty of reading it after high school…

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