I told my son that I wanted him to move out.
For the past five years, all I’ve wanted was for him to be with me. He needed me. I would take care of him and find a fucking way to FORCE him to stop being a heroin addict.
It’s been a long, hard five years.
I hate when I make this about me. I feel selfish. But the toll his addiction has taken on our family and my health has been enormous.
He hasn’t used heroin for 11 months now. In the big scheme of things, this is not a long period of time. Long enough to give me hope, though. As much as I resent hope because it has not been my friend, I do have it again.
When we had the ‘I’m going to truck driving school’ fiasco, I told him he had to go.
So he did.
It’s more than time for him to start his adult life and honestly I was very excited about him moving on. I love him with everything I have, but I need some space from him.
I also miss the shit out of him already.
It’s quite possible that I gave myself a concussion yesterday. Hubs insisted I had our debit card while I was sure he had it. When we have this argument, he is usually right. It wasn’t in my pockets or in my laptop bag or in my purse. I went to the last place I could think to look. The car. Maybe it dropped out in the car.
So, instead of sliding into the car the way you usually do, I went in headfirst.
I bashed my head hard enough to make me go through ALL my favorite curses. I even used ‘piece of shit motherfucker’ and THAT is usually reserved for other drivers. The only witnesses to my dumbassery was my son and his girlfriend who had just arrived so that he could pick up the last of his stuff.
I must have bounced pretty fucking hard because he showed some real concern. He even put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. My son is not a very demonstrative person. It was almost worth hitting my head just to get that kiss.
My head hurt for the rest of the day, but I didn’t think much of it. I’m pretty accident prone. I gave myself a concussion with a big glass measuring cup once.
Today? Today I had a migraine from HELL all day long. I deadened it as much as possible with over the counter pain killers and wrote it off to my annual cluster migraine that I get EVERY. FUCKING. WINTER.
Then hubs noticed my eyes were dilated.
I’ve gone back and forth all evening. Should I go to the ER? is my brain bleeding? Will my last meal really be that sticky wild rice?
My eyes aren’t dilated anymore. Perhaps I DO have a mild concussion, but I’m reasonably sure that I’m going to survive the night.
My baby boy has an ear infection. I miss my older son and I am terrified of the choices he may make. I’m happy that he moved and I appreciate that the level of tension in my home has dropped to a barely discernable buzz.
My head really hurts.
Hubs had the debit card all along.