In a last ditch effort to continue procrasting, I decided to write a blog post about Fall cleaning rather than actually DO the Fall cleaning. It would be irresponsible of me to NOT write this post right now as I’m sure some of you really need my help. Seriously, I’m Suzy Fucking Homemaker here. I can teach to clean your house in no time. I’m like the Mary Poppins of cleaning house, other than I don’t sing annoying songs and I can’t fly. Which really sucks. The flying part, not the annoying song part.
Anyway, here are your cleaning pointers:
1. Remove yourself from as many chores as possible: For instance, have the foresight to get an upper respitory infection before the cleaning weekend arrives. That way hubs is gonna HAVE to take the chore of cleaning out under the kitchen sink. The possibility of killer mold would be too dangerous for you to undertake. Realize though, if you use this tactic and he cleans out under the sink? No way you aren’t cleaning the toilets..infection be damned.
2. Clean the fridge in stages: Remove shelves that appear to be permanently affixed by jelly, syrup or possibly candied jalapeno juice. When you remove all the food from the fridge and take a break and play a round of ‘Is That Safe To Eat’ bingo. Whine about cleaning the fridge door. A LOT. Cleaning the fucking fridge door SUCKS. The fridge door is where all the orphan food ends up. You expect to see hair in the bathroom when you clean it..but don’t be alarmed if you find hair in your fridge..it’s only the hair that used to be in your food. If you find you are able to dislodge a chunk of caramel topping comletely intact from the fridge shelf, IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW GOOD IT LOOKS. Don’t. Do. It.
3. Justifiable Homicide: If your husband makes up a song about the spider crawling on the ceiling while you’re cleaning the kitchen, you should get to stab him. Seriously. Who want to hear a song about a spider jumping on your head while you’re cleaning. Or ever.
4. Acceptance: Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Good enough is good enough. And your lazy Susan is just embarrassing..they always are. Just clean that shit out and you won’t have to do it again until it’s embarrassing again. Usually takes about a year in my house.
5. Offerings: When you pull out your stove and fridge to clear under/behind/beside them you might want to consider offering up a small prayer to the god or goddess of your choice. Or sacrifice a goat. It depends on how long it’s been since you pulled them out. You might want to contact Father Brennan and Father Spiletto just to be safe.
6. Take Breaks: If you’re going to do a full on, ceiling to floor cleaning, you have to take breaks. Chances are, you’re going to have to burn a weekend day or, and this is sad, a vacation day. You have to have a little fun during the day. Drink some coffee! Listen to music! Wait until Noon and then have a drink! As the day goes on, the cleaning will get easier. Because the more you drink, the quicker ‘good enough is good enough’ will get there.
And there you have it..follow these tips and cleaning probably won’t be any easier at all, actually. I’ve possibily made it more dangerous for you. Either way, my heart is always in the right place.
Except for when it isn’t.