When The Range Is From Suck to Suck

Does it freak you the fuck out if you get a compliment?

I’m struggling with who I am these days. I am gaining an understanding of why certain situations are difficult for me and while that can be unsettling, I’m finding the discovery process interesting as well.

Recently, a friend gave me a glowing compliment. She told me what a wonderful writer I am and how I can make her laugh and cry and how much she enjoys reading what I write.

This person is talented. When I say talented, I mean she is an extraordinary professional musician.

I was SO uncomfortable that I actually told her to shut up and I changed the subject. Not in a mean way..in an embarrassed,’I have no idea how to respond to this and shut up way’.

I told Randy that her compliment made me uncomfortable. HAHAHAHAHA. Yes. Uncomfortable. You know how you had that one pair of pants that were cut just a little off and while they kind of fit, they really didn’t and when you sat down the seam cuts into your crotch? I was uncomfortable like that. Well, it didn’t make my crotch hurt or anything, but I had that level of uncomfortableness.

I couldn’t process the thoughts quickly enough. She’s just being friendly, because she’s a friendly person and that’s what friendly people do. They say friendly things. And how the fuck am I suppost to hear a compliment about my blog from a real professional? That’s crazy. I’m not in that league. She’s probably only  read a few posts and somehow missed the tens of thousands of words in here that suck ass.

Children of narcissists aren’t good at anything. Unless you are in a golden child/scape goat situation, the golden child usually can’t fail.

I was not a golden child.

I found out at a young age that I pretty much sucked at everything. Not only did I suck, but life would have been better and easier if I had never been born. Also, and this is important, there is only one thing worse that sucking at everything, and that is actually being GOOD at something. That will earn even more ridicule. I learned this lesson over and over, well into my adulthood.

I remember when I first started learning computer programming, that sent my dad into full on douche mode.

 I just thought I was so smart. And did I know that HE had a chance to work in data processing? Yeah..yeah he did, but he turned it down because it’s a dead end job and it really doesn’t take the brains people think it does. Also, EVERYONE at his work went to him for all their computer issues.

So, even if I’m good at something, I don’t know how to feel good about it. My experience is, that if I am good at something, that equals tremendous anxiety. My experience is also that I’m not really good at anything. So there you have, why the range is from Suck to Suck.

Here’s the thing. I know it’s bullshit. I couldn’t POSSIBLY suck at EVERYTHING. No one sucks at EVERYTHING. It’s also possible that I’m good at a few things.

I’ve had the ‘reasons why I suck’ solidified over the past few years. Having a heroin addict for a child pretty much cinches the fact that I’m never getting nominated for mother of the year. I can tell myself as often as I want that it’s not my fault, but underneath it all, I am completely certain that it is. THAT drives me insane…because I am also completely certain, underneath it all..that it is NOT my fault.

Adult children of narcissists very often have a difficult time processing emotions, making decisions and more than anything, trusting their own feelings. It’s hard to know what’s real. This causes issues with intimacy. Well then, I guess there’s no real need to wonder why I’ve been married 3 times, right?

This is what I should have done, I SHOULD have thanked my friend for the lovely compliment and then spent a second or two basking in the glory that is me.

That was hard to type.

I can talk about what a motherfucking badass I am in my blog and I’m fine with that. It’s over the top..it’s just as much self-deprecating as it is self-admiration…but to talk about actually being good at something? That’s when the anxiety kicks in and that nasty little voice in my head finds it’s volume control.

I don’t know if I’m a good writer or not. I know I never edit because it’s boring. I buzz through ideas and then post them. I’d probably improve if I just exercised a little patience and took the time to edit.

I’ve been doing the same type of work for 23 years now. If nothing else, I have to admit that I’m at least proficient. It’s impossible to do something for 23 years and not be a little good at it. Unless you are stupid.

One thing I can say for certain, I am pretty fucking far from stupid.

I have a beautiful family.

I love my children with everything I have.

I’m a damn good friend.

Narcissism doesn’t get to win.

I’m better than that.

 

Tagged as: adult child of a narcissist, compliments, editing, imposters, narcissism, Narcissist, writing