Rage Advice For Halloween

Here we are, that time of year where you find yourself faced with pounds and pounds of fun size candy bars. And why do we buy too much? Is it because we KNOW we’re gonna eat them?

You’re going to eat them. You know you are. Here’s some ways to burn calories and minimize the damage.

First of all, you’re going to burn some calories ripping all those little packages open. Don’t overlook THAT benefit. I figure for every 100 you open, you’ve probably burned off a 1/4 of one. This has no scientific basis at all, but still…trust me….

When choosing candy for the little ones, you KNOW you’re trying to pick out the ones you don’t like. This causes mild stress and anxiety which may lead to twitching and fidgeting. This will also burn a few calories..so go ahead, eat that candy bar instead of giving it to the 1000th Disney princess you’ve seen.

Another way to burn calories is by stifling laughter over your kid’s costume. Trust me, that shit is difficult after a while.

When my youngest was 9 years old, he decided to dress up as a woman for Halloween. My mistake was to let Baby Sister oversee the construction of his costume. I was thinking, old lady, big boobs, over-sized purse. Baby Sister, apparently, decided on crack whore.

We went trick or treating in Middle Sister’s neighborhood. It’s not an upscale neighborhood, but it’s definitely NICE and chock full o’ soccer moms. My gorgeous niece, who would have been 5 years old at the time, was dressed as a princess. This is what we heard, over and over:

“Oh…look at the PRINCESS, how adorable..and look at the…the…ummmm…Happy Halloween”!

Baby Sister has freakishly small feet, she had a pair of Mary Janes that very nearly fit my son’s feet. They were a little big and clunky and as he was not used to wearing girl shoes, he tripped over them and fell, causing his stockings to rip and his knees to bleed, which in turn made him cry. His mascara ran. And with THAT, his ‘Courtney Love On A Bad Day’ look was complete. I did NOT laugh when he hurt himself..but the rest…oh yes..I laughed my ASS off.

You can also burn some calories carving a pumpkin. The scooping alone will burn about a million and when you cut yourself with the little carving knife, the swearing should get rid of at LEAST another 100 calories or so. I probably burned 500 just in swearing alone when I carved this pumpkin.

This year? I burned a few extra calories struggling to get into my witch stockings. One size fits most MY ASS.

Thanks to songbird extraordinaire Karen Ashton for inspiring this post.

 

 

 

Tagged as: Halloween