I’d get annoyed, but after 17 years, I kinda already know how the Saturday mornings are going to go and it’s going to involve never sleeping in again for as long as I live.
I sneezed in the car on the way and aked Randy to stop at a gas station to get some tissues, because no way was I going to wander around the store and not be able to breath.
When he went in to buy tissues, I decided to go ahead and fill up the tank. I started pumping the gas when a woman walked across the parking lot toward me. She was smiling and carrying something, so there wasn’t much doubt that she was coming to talk to me. Fucking great.
Woman in sensible loafers, plain skirt and 1980s looking hair: “Are these pumps working okay”?
Me, looking like a homeless person because I had spilled coffee all over the front of my shirt: “Uhhhh, yes. It’s working fine”.
Woman who smiled way too much: “Well, I saw some people driving away without pumping anything. While I’m here, can I give you something to read? There’s an article in here about corruption and that goes along with the high price of gas, don’t you think”?
Aaaaand then she tried to hand me a Watchtower. Fucking hell. I thought, I’m going to take her stupid magazine and it’s going to lay on the floorboard of my car and get all torn up and it will take me longer to vacuum and..WAIT A MINUTE. I can say no. I don’t have to tell her thank you and take her stupid magazine that I don’t want to read.
Me, really wishing I had at least put on a bra: “I appreciate what you are doing, but I really don’t want to read your magazine at all”.
Woman who’s smile faltered. Just a little: “Oh, that’s okay. We hardly ever catch people at home, it’s easier in parking lots”.
Me, basking in the glory of saying no: “If it makes you feel any better, I would have much preferred telling you no here in this parking lot, rather than at my house”.
Woman wearing pantyhose: “Oh. Haha. I guess that’s good to know. Okay..bye”.
She started to walk away and I felt kind of bad. I was being my smartass self and I was a bit afraid that I had come off rude. She hadn’t really done anything to me. Sure, I don’t really like being approached by strangers, but she was only doing what she believes in.
Me, very fucking thankful for the sunglasses I was wearing: “Hey, wait a minute”.
Woman who probably thought she was giving away a Watchtower: “Yes”?
Me, wondering why the fuck I felt compelled to speak again: “I really don’t want to read your magazine. But you asking me was very cool, because I told you no. I have a hard time with no and it felt really good to say no, so I appreciate that”.
Watchtower Woman: “Well, that’s really nice. I’m glad I could be a part of that”.
It was great, telling that woman ‘No’. Since I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve found a voice that I love. It’s genuine and it is all me, but it’s not how I behave. I’m not that outspoken and I sometimes have terribly shy tendencies. I also have a very hard time saying no. Not in all cases. Sometimes I do say no, but it is rarely easy.
When I’m here on Rage Your Way Thin? I’m a badass. Out there where we all live? Not quite as much.
It’s not like I don’t say what I think but arguing a point with someone can make me very uncomfortable, very quick. Unless it’s with Randy, then I’m a pro.
I love my blog. I love having a place where I can say what I want to say.
Unless it’s about religion or politics, I don’t talk too much about either. Unless the politics concern the current war on women. How can I NOT talk about that? But fuck talking about religion. I don’t want to debate it. I am extraordinarily comfortable with my spiritual self. Whatever spiritual self even fucking means. So discussion on the topic is pointless..and I don’t know if you’ve noticed it or not..but people seem to feel VERY strongly when it comes to beliefs. And non-beliefs.
It was kind of fun talking about it today though. I’m glad the Jehovah’s Witness lady tried to give me her magazine. I got to say no.
I learned something yesterday. This is probably something I should have known or figured out before I reached this advanced age, but it didn’t happen until yesterday. I always assumed that my father was a run of the mill asshole who told a lot of lies. As it turns out, he’s a narcissist. Yesterday morning, I had a vague understanding of what it means to be a narcissist, today, I understand a lot more. I was raised by a narcissist and as it turns out, this tends to be damaging. HAHAHAHA. Just a little.
I had so many questions answered yesterday. I also decided that it would be a good idea to talk to a professional about this. We get 6 free sessions with a counselor as a benefit from my job. I’m not paying a shrink for this. I don’t know if it’s worth it and we don’t have the money for that anyway. But I can see what we can do in 6 sessions. I need to understand that I only have to answer to myself. I want to learn how to stop being afraid that I’m always a step away from ‘being in trouble’ and that I can take care of myself without guilt.
I don’t have to worry about the saying no part. Pretty sure I’m going to get that one without any help.
I’ve said this before, but when I started to truly consider transforming myself into a healthier person, I thought it was all about losing weight and gaining muscle. It so much is not. The self acceptance that I’ve been able to gain has meant as much to me as smaller jeans. Maybe not MORE, but at least just as much.
I’m also beginning to understand that transforming myself into a healthier person is going to entail so much more than I expected. I thought this lesson had already been learned, but it seems it hasn’t. I think, at least now, I can accept that I have a lot further to go. On the other hand, I am VERY proud of how far I’ve come.