The past few years have been a fucked up rollercoaster that had more twists than drops.
I like the drops. I hate the twists. The twists make me sick.
I started a side writing project back in February. It’s coming along. It’s coming along much better than I am. I’m trying to prove that you CAN get into shape, even under extreme duress.
For those of you who read my blog, you know I live with a junkie. Well..as of right now, a clean junkie..but I’ve learned that hope is a nasty bitch who will kick my ass over and over. And over. I’m not gonna tell you that there is nothing more stressful than having an adult child who is a heroin addict, but I feel fairly confident in saying IT SUCKS FUCKING ASS.
Right now? He’s good. Well, he’s not using. As far as I know it’s been about 8 months.
It’s time for him to move on.
So we have a brand new stress. I’ve never seen the movie Failure To Launch, but from the DVD cover, it looks like it’s probably a zany comedy. HAHAHAHA. Yes..this shit is fucking HILARIOUS!!!
My son decided to drive a truck. Long haul shit. He went to school for two weeks. As much as he’s make terrible choices in his life, he remains to be one of the smartest people I know, so it was no surprise that he was at the top of his class.
He had to sign a 6 month contract to get the school for free. He was SO excited about this. He would see the country! He would have some freedom! He’d be making a shit ton more money than he does delivering pizza!
Me? Well, the thought of getting his moody ass out of the house for 6 months made me positively GIDDY. When the 6 months were up, he’d have enough money to..dare I say it..move out.
I could get the treadmill out of the family room. My poor hubs could move his office from our unfinished basement into a real room. I’d have an extra CLOSET. Fucking hell..like I said, I was giddy.
He made it for 4 whole days.
The manipulation started off with a BANG. He decided to play a hand of aces right off the bat.
He didn’t SAY he was going to use drugs, but he said that the job was so unbearably horrible and stressful that..well..you know.
Could I come and get him? Could I buy him a bus ticket?
Could I bail him out ONE MORE TIME?
I said no.
No matter what he threw at me, I said no.
At the VERY least, I wanted him to finish his stint with the trainer. It would have been two to three weeks. He could finish at least that much and then quit his brand spanking new job.
My son has been a stubborn ass since he first learned to walk on two feet.
He’s also not used to being told no. By me. Because I don’t DO that. I fix things for him.
I STILL said no.
He was in Jacksonville, FL on Sunday night. (We live in Ohio) and I got a text from him. It said, I hope I make it home. I’m hitch hiking.
And then I didn’t hear another damn thing for nearly 11 hours.
To say I was upset is like saying Lindsay Lohen has a few problems. It’s like saying Snooki is a little orange.
I was beside myself with worry.
He made it home. When I say home, I mean he made it to his grandmother’s house. I still have not seen him. We are at an impasse at the moment. I was relieved beyond BELIEF that he made it okay. But what now? He goes back to delivering pizzas? He stays here, leaving messes all over the house, growling at his little brother and having his girlfriend spend the night more nights than not.
No no no NO.
I was supposed to get a closet. He was supposed to be a grown up. This is NOT how this was supposed to work out.
My sister was going to bring him home last night. From what I understand, he really didn’t want to face me. I had sent him many frantic texts and I’m pretty sure he knew I was upset.
He thinks I am punishing him now. I’m not. I’m making living here as unnattractive as possible. And all I had to do was lay down the FIRST rule. No over night guests.
My home is not a hotel. If he wants a grown up relationship that involves sleepovers, then he needs to do it in his own house. The series of texts that followed were maddening and bizarre. Let me sum them up:
Him: You are horrible and you hate the fact that I made it home without your help.
Me: You are delusional. Grow the fuck up.
He’s staying at his girlfriend’s apartment for a few days (she lives with her mother) to let me ‘cool down’.
I think he’s going to be even less happy with the other rules.
This should be fun.
Why the title? I’m still fat. Well, because I am. Getting into shape while living through this is hard as fuck. I’m treading water.
What matters is. I haven’t given up.
I won’t give up.
I still matter.
So here’s a question for you. Any of you have someone in your life that you love so fucking much you would die for them without a MOMENT of hesitation..yet loathe them at the same time?
It’s not just me, right?