The past few years have been a fucked up rollercoaster that had more twists than drops.
I like the drops. I hate the twists. The twists make me sick.
I started a side writing project back in February. It’s coming along. It’s coming along much better than I am. I’m trying to prove that you CAN get into shape, even under extreme duress.
For those of you who read my blog, you know I live with a junkie. Well..as of right now, a clean junkie..but I’ve learned that hope is a nasty bitch who will kick my ass over and over. And over. I’m not gonna tell you that there is nothing more stressful than having an adult child who is a heroin addict, but I feel fairly confident in saying IT SUCKS FUCKING ASS.
Right now? He’s good. Well, he’s not using. As far as I know it’s been about 8 months.
It’s time for him to move on.
So we have a brand new stress. I’ve never seen the movie Failure To Launch, but from the DVD cover, it looks like it’s probably a zany comedy. HAHAHAHA. Yes..this shit is fucking HILARIOUS!!!
My son decided to drive a truck. Long haul shit. He went to school for two weeks. As much as he’s make terrible choices in his life, he remains to be one of the smartest people I know, so it was no surprise that he was at the top of his class.
Although, to hear him describe his classmates, it probably didn’t take much. 
He had to sign a 6 month contract to get the school for free. He was SO excited about this. He would see the country! He would have some freedom! He’d be making a shit ton more money than he does delivering pizza!
Me? Well, the thought of getting his moody ass out of the house for 6 months made me positively GIDDY. When the 6 months were up, he’d have enough money to..dare I say it..move out.
I could get the treadmill out of the family room. My poor hubs could move his office from our unfinished basement into a real room. I’d have an extra CLOSET. Fucking hell..like I said, I was giddy.
He made it for 4 whole days.
The manipulation started off with a BANG. He decided to play a hand of aces right off the bat.
He didn’t SAY he was going to use drugs, but he said that the job was so unbearably horrible and stressful that..well..you know.
Could I come and get him? Could I buy him a bus ticket?
Could I bail him out ONE MORE TIME?
I said no.
No matter what he threw at me, I said no.
At the VERY least, I wanted him to finish his stint with the trainer. It would have been two to three weeks. He could finish at least that much and then quit his brand spanking new job.
My son has been a stubborn ass since he first learned to walk on two feet.
He’s also not used to being told no. By me. Because I don’t DO that. I fix things for him.
I STILL said no.
He was in Jacksonville, FL on Sunday night. (We live in Ohio) and I got a text from him. It said, I hope I make it home. I’m hitch hiking.
And then I didn’t hear another damn thing for nearly 11 hours.
To say I was upset is like saying Lindsay Lohen has a few problems. It’s like saying Snooki is a little orange.
I was beside myself with worry.
He made it home. When I say home, I mean he made it to his grandmother’s house. I still have not seen him. We are at an impasse at the moment. I was relieved beyond BELIEF that he made it okay. But what now? He goes back to delivering pizzas? He stays here, leaving messes all over the house, growling at his little brother and having his girlfriend spend the night more nights than not.
No no no NO.
I was supposed to get a closet. He was supposed to be a grown up. This is NOT how this was supposed to work out.
My sister was going to bring him home last night. From what I understand, he really didn’t want to face me. I had sent him many frantic texts and I’m pretty sure he knew I was upset.
He thinks I am punishing him now. I’m not. I’m making living here as unnattractive as possible. And all I had to do was lay down the FIRST rule. No over night guests.
My home is not a hotel. If he wants a grown up relationship that involves sleepovers, then he needs to do it in his own house. The series of texts that followed were maddening and bizarre. Let me sum them up:
Him: You are horrible and you hate the fact that I made it home without your help.
Me: You are delusional. Grow the fuck up.
He’s staying at his girlfriend’s apartment for a few days (she lives with her mother) to let me ‘cool down’.
I think he’s going to be even less happy with the other rules.
This should be fun.
Why the title? I’m still fat. Well, because I am. Getting into shape while living through this is hard as fuck. I’m treading water.
What matters is. I haven’t given up.
I won’t give up.
I still matter.
So here’s a question for you. Any of you have someone in your life that you love so fucking much you would die for them without a MOMENT of hesitation..yet loathe them at the same time?
It’s not just me, right?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m childless but I suspect it’s not just you. I have the occasional love/dislike relationship with family members as well. Somehow family seem to be best at bringing that crap out in others!
Perhaps he’ll stay at his girlfriend’s???
Deb
I doubt it..my son likes his own bed, honestly, I think trying to sleep in a truck was a contributing factor to him walking away from the job.
I think that question at the end described the way feel about my mom perfectly. She constantly asked me for help/advice/to do things for her, and whenever it involves me explaining anything, she doesn’t even pretend to listen, then calls yelling at me because she can’t make it work. Ugh.
I know its not the same as your thing, but it is maddening!
I understand that perfectly! Yeah..we have people in our lives who ask for advice then get MAD when you give it..it’s frustrating..
Well, hell yes it’s tough trying to lose weight with the stress of life sucking the breath out of you. Can’t help but have a major rise in the cortisol levels.
I have family members (specifically mother, brother, and a sister) who just wore me out! They were zapping my mental strength and energy, and were draining the joy out of my life. That was, until I reached “the point” and I said NO MORE. I learned it to be true…you really can’t change people. They wondered what was wrong with me when I said enough is enough and I refused to be their doormat any longer. They certainly didn’t see my point of how they lead me to the point of saying NO MORE. Since I couldn’t make them change, what did I do then? I cut the ties and no longer have an association with them. Some folks who are clueless of what I endured will pass judgement on me and say, “but they’re family”. I don’t give a shit if they’re family or not. Evidently, they don’t give a shit that I’m family to run me through the emotional meat grinder like they did after the countless times I shown and expressed love for them. I have friends who treats me so much better and loves me much more than my “growing up with” family ever did, which makes me pfttt on the expression about blood being thicker than water.
In your situation, I know a child can wreck more havoc on the heart and soul than a sibling or parent could. I for one, am proud that you are saying NO MORE. If you don’t, you will be 80 years old and still taking care of your adult children, and who knows, possibly their families too. The situation with your son and his troubles suck, but please remember as I’m sure you well know, he must change/help himself before anyone else can help him. Stick to the tough love. You’re the strongest woman I know!
This actually means quite a lot to me. Thank you.
I don’t FEEL strong. I’m hoping he keeps pissing me off. I can deal with this SO MUCH BETTER when I’m pissed off.
Feeling blue today..but it will be okay.
I’m glad you were able to cut the toxic people from your life. Hubs and I did that a few years back (his side of the family) and have never looked back. It’s been great.
Wow, your strength is so inspiring. I can’t even begin to imagine how this must feel. You are doing the right thing, even though it sucks ass.
Thank you, I really appreciate your comment. It feels like being suspended in hell. It’s been that way for years. He was arrested late last November and yet says I can’t ‘let go of the past’. WTF? Although, trying to make sense of what he says is an exercise in futility..
I know I’m doing the right thing..it’s really REALLY hard, though.
I went through this with my brother and watched my parents as they struggled the same as you are. It was brutal.. for years… he lives in MI now (we are in Texas) and while he’s probably not living a life that would coincide with ours, he’s perfectly happy living HIS life. Are drugs involved? most likely. Is he homeless at times? actually, yes. but he’s living on his terms. Something a family therapist once told us back in the days when we were all fighting to save him “if you have one dysfunctional person in your family, your entire family is dysfunctional.”
There comes a point when “helping” isn’t helping… it’s enabling. And for the sake of the rest of your family, I wish for you the strength to stick to your rules. It won’t be easy, but sometimes, the best way to “help” is to let go and allow them (force them?) to find their own way.
Big hugs. I know what you are dealing with and it sucks fucking donkey balls fo sho
Thank you for this. It DOES fucking suck monkey balls and I KNOW it’s not reasonable to feel this..but it’s NOT FAIR. I didn’t sign up for this shit. I DON’T WANT IT.
But I have it.
And I have to deal with it. I am.
What I am doing now is learning to not let it consume me. I’ve wasted days that I will never get back worrying and fretting over his life.
Something that mom my reminds herself when her heartstrings are pulled… She did complete her task… She raised my brother (the same as me and I turned out ok – relatively speaking anyway) he’s an adult. If she continues to enable him, THEN she would be failing as a mom.
Think of 3 things for me.
(1) If we never allowed our children to fall, would they ever have learned to walk? It’s ok to let us kidlets fall from time to time. Reminding us that you are always there for EMOTIONAL support but that we have to walk on our own.
(2) If it was your DH that was living this lifestyle – tantrums, possible drug use, always needing to be rescued, etc. would you put up with THAT? not sure why we make ourselves believe that our children are any different once they reach adulthood.
(3) what impact is all of this having on your other kids? I lost my parents for 5 years when they were dealing with my brother. It was rough on me. you have the rest of your family to consider.
You are strong enough. you are capable. you are doing the right thing and I will tell you over and over if needed.
all wonderful points!
We have two other adult children who are out on their own and a 14yr old son who has not had enough from me. That is changing. I’m focusing on him now, he deserves it. He’s a great kid and very strong..
but still..he’s a kid..
I can also relate, I won’t say who the family member AND friend are, but both are addicts and both were abusive to me in different ways so I’ve now cut them both out of my life. They don’t need me to ruin their lives and I can’t help save them. And I’m happier without them abusing and using me.
As for your son: He’s proven he CAN take care of himself when push comes to shove (he got home, right?). It’s time for you to remain strong and force him onto his own two feet. Like you mention: he’s a grown man. Its time for him to start acting like one and get out of Mommy’s house.
If he fails at it, that’s on him. NOT YOU. And not for you to rescue either. He’ll make it if forced. There’s no other choice.
Your responsibility to keep a roof over the kids’ heads ends when they’re actually no longer ‘kids’.
love you lots.
Thanks Jackie.
I made him take a drug test just a few hours ago. All 5 panels came up clean. Very pleased.
He’s shocked by momma being a hardass..but we actually had a human conversation.
XXOO
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