This is has been a rough weekend after a few rough weeks.
I HATE software upgrades at work. I hate them. I hate them even more when the upgrade is for the product I support and I am responsible for the the upgrade. Every insecurity and fear I have come dancing out, they grab my face and whisper in my ear about how incompetent I am and how I will FINALLY be caught out and I’m going to get fired.
And possibly burned at the stake as a witch.
The upgrade happened yesterday. Was it successful? Mildly so. Will I have issues tomorrow when I go in to work? I will be STUNNED if I don’t spend the next week dealing with irate users.
Last night, after a few drinks. Okay..fine. ALL the drinks, I was in full on fret mode. The plus side is we were watching concert footage of The Pretenders and while this has nothing to do with anything, I have to say that Chrissie Hynde kicks ass. Watch this..you won’t be sorry.
In order to chill, because honestly, the booze just wasn’t doing it’s job, I made hubs go through many different scenarios. All the ‘what ifs’ that COULD happen and what would we do if we HAD to?
For some reason this conversation, which has been had many times, actually made sense to me.
Regardless of what happens, we’re going to be fine.
When I contemplate how fragile the grip I have on the financial health of my family is it takes my breath away. ANYTHING could happen. I could lose my job, for any number of reasons. What if that happens? Really? What I do used to be in high demand..these days? not so much. Chances are, we would have to move away.
I don’t want to move away. I want to be near my parents. And my sisters and my niece and wild ass nephew. I don’t want to go FURTHER from my grandkids.
Well…if I HAD to, I could do something else. Sure, I’d make half the money I make now and the house would have to be abandoned. I don’t WANT to do that..but the fact is, if I had to, I COULD walk away. I could get a series of temp jobs. I could work in a factory. I could do some sort of office work that I am in no way qualified.
Hell, hubs and I could be bartenders.
We’d be old and tired bartenders, but we could do it.
We could live in a tiny apartment if we had to.
We could move to a place where public transportation is availabe if we had to.
The point is, being afraid isn’t helping me. Understanding that I really do have options helped take the fear away. Or at least tamp it back to a manageable level. It won’t be gone until this next week is over and my job settles back into it’s boring ass routine. I really don’t think I’m going to have to start up a bartending career, but it’s good to know that I could if I had to.
And if I do end up behind a bar and you’re in the Greater Cincinnati area, then you’ll have to come and and I buy you a drink.
In exchange for a large tip.
Because if that’s what I’m doing, then I’m poor.
Fear is can be debilitating. Try playing the ‘if you HAD to’ game. You might be surprised when you think about what scenarios really wouldn’t be all that bad. When you have that to comfort you, then you can be free to live your life NOW. Without being afraid.