Wouldn’t you like to be an imposter, too?
Okay..that’s the last time I rip off an old Dr. Pepper commercial. Promise.
When I was young, my dad made me play softball. He would brag to friends and neighbors and relatives about how good I was. He’d tell them about my home runs and my fantastic catches and how I was by far and away the best girl on the team. I was seven years old.
And I SUCKED at softball. I honestly don’t think I made it to base even once and I KNOW I never caught a ball.
I don’t know for sure, but I suspect that may have set me on my long and distinguished journey toward becoming the woman I am today. Wracked by insecurity and feeling like I’m not good enough.
Which brings me to the Imposter Syndrome. If I AM perceived as good at something, I am convinced that at any moment I will be found out. I’m not all that good at my job and sooner or later they are gonna notice. I’m not a very good writer, I’m totally running out of things to say. Sooner or later, people will see that I’m fraying around the edges and really, I just recycle my own words over and over.
Hubs sent me an article about the Imposter Syndrome and I found it FASCINATING. People who suffer from Imposter Syndrome are usually very intelligent and capable and all the things that I’m afraid I’m not.
Then it occurred to me. I’m not really an imposter after all, because I’m NOT all those things. 
I am an imposter imposter.
And with that, I negate my very existence. Poof.
I’m going to reread that article a few times. I’m going to keep reminding myself that this isn’t all bad…feeling like an imposter.
And the article is true, I DO feel more confident than I let on. Not all the time and not overly so..but still..I have more confidence than I show.
I played softball as a teenager and well into my 20s.
I had a few great catches and managed to get a few hits. I think I made it across the plate a few times, but I never got very good at it.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I never had anyone stick up or brag on me after my Dad died when I was 8.
Sucked. I am one level closer to batshit crazy than you, pretty sure.
If not,,, Welcome. Lonely up here. Maybe it’s down here. Could be plain… right here.
I think that you are very intelligent an capable, FWIW.
I don’t have a long reply in me this time as I might cry. Screws up my mojo.
There’s no crying in baseball!!!!
Pretty sure we’re all crazy to some degree. And I think we’re all lonely..at least a lot of the time..
Perhaps trying to make sense of it all is what doesn’t make any sense..
oh..and thanks for the compliment, it’s actually worth a whole fucking lot
hmmmm I love this part
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which apparently means i’m a phony phony or as you said an imposter imposter to some degree and I think I gave up trying to make sense of anything awhile ago and just go about my life…
I love how you put that you’re an imposter imposter. I think I’m a lot like that. I start to think I’m not very good at something, then realize that I am, and then pretend that I don’t think that I am. Wow, if that doesn’t make your head explode – don’t know what will. LOL
But, what I really like to do is pretend that I AM really good at something when I know down right that I’m not – because I tend to put more effort in to proving it to myself. So, I think it’s OK to be an imposter.
Not sure if any of that made real sense – but it’s what I’ve got for ya today.
it makes PERFECT sense…
“Wracked by insecurity and feeling like I’m not good enough”
Boy can I relate! but I will never forget MY moment of glory on the softball diamond: I knocked out a Grand Slam for my youth group (coed) team when I was 15, winning the game for us.
That was probably the pinnacle of my athletic career – NOT! no, it was sheer luck – doing my 1st half marathon was much more challenging…
I’m still working up to a 5k. You should be VERY proud of yourself!!
Ain’t it the truth! I’ve ALWAYS felt like an imposter, oddly enough even down to not feeling like my name was my own. How weird is that!? I vividly remember being pre-teen & feeling disassociated from my actual NAME. I’m not going to delve into that because it’s too freakish. I own it now of course but WTF? The whole identity/insecurity thing is BS and I live it still. “Just keep swimming”, right?
I think we all deal with insecurities in different ways…
Yes, sister…we MUST just keep swimming..
I remember stepping up to the plate and hearing someone whisper, “She looks like she’s good, but she’s not.” I still shudder when I think of it. So there you have it. I totally get what you were saying.
I never heard that. And I honestly don’t know which one of us is worse off…