We’re having ourselves a tiny little pity party tonight…
These are things I DO NOT WANT:
I don’t want the special ‘mom hell’ of having a child who is an addict. It sucks. It’s painful. I did NOT sign up for this shit. I know we all have pain, we do. But watching your kid withdraw from heroin is a gut wrenching exercise in torture that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Well…maybe on my worst enemy.
I don’t want to struggle with my weight.
I don’t want to have to work at a job I hate.
I don’t want to worry about money.
I don’t want car problems.
I don’t want to my stepdaughter and granddaughter to move farther away.
I don’t want my mother to get older.
I don’t want to wait for months for the next Sons Of Anarchy episode.
Perhaps that last one is reaching. A little.
Okay…that’s all out on the table.
Here is my reality.
My son is doing well right now. He hasn’t used in months. I know this is true. You know how I know? Because I KNOW WHAT A JUNKIE LOOKS LIKE. I wasn’t supposed to be an expert in that area. Nevertheless, he’s doing well now. I need to appreciate that and stop waiting for it to all go to shit again. It might. It really might. But it hasn’t. So, I should stop buying trouble.
Maybe I am not where I want to be weight wise, but my muscles are fucking bad ass and I’m working as hard as I can to change it. I’m aging, but I’m strong. I can’t ask for more.
The job? Well, I need to keep this job. It pays well and I’m doing fine. In the mean time..I am writing again and I’m happy with what I’ve written. There are many people without jobs. Perhaps I should at least consider stop being a little punk ass bitch about the job.
Money issues..well, a few medical bills aside, my bills are paid. Can I handle an emergency? Fuck no…but again..I should stop borrowing trouble.
I’m working on financing for a second car. Car woes will soon be solved.
Sure…Little sister and baby girl ARE moving further away..but they are already 3 hours away..what’s a few more hours?
And my momma is 72, but I’m pretty sure she could still kick my ass. She’ll be here a while longer.
Nothing else really…just feeling a tad overwhelmed.
It does not serve us well to get bogged down in the negative. Our lives are what they are. We all have things that suck..we can wallow or move forward.
I’m going to move forward.
And Sons will be back in the Fall.
So, help a sister out…I’m not the only one who finds themselves drowning from time to time, right?
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
You are NOT the only one! I could make a similar post, and I’ve started to make it, then after reading what I wrote, I kind of smacked myself, called myself a selfish, whiny bitch, and decided not to complain because even with everything in my life I don’t like or want, even though I haven’t been able to get a job in almost 5 years, even though my bf works too damn much and is overwhelmed with family stuff and doesn’t spend enough time with me (my biggest whine) I am still more or less okay. Shit happens. I will live. The world will keep turning. And it will be OKAY. If you get tired of drowning in that sea of troubles, come my way and I’ll set you to work drowning in my sewing room!
I would LOVE to drown your sewing room…because my drowning room has really sucked…
Hell no, you are NOT the only one drowning. I could easily make my own list as well. I’ve been struggling to stay above the water lately, but as long as I keep struggling and don’t give up I won’t drown, right? We all have our own “living hells” and we all have a choice, deal with it or give up. Dealing with it sucks sometimes but I am finally facing some things that were buried for a long time. Dealing with it last week meant drowning myself in pints of ice cream, and one day almost an entire 1/2 gallon of ice cream. Sabotage myself much? Dealing with it now means getting my ass off the couch, getting counseling, exercising (the marathon I’m signed up for in 17 weeks is not going to run itself and unfortunately I will probably be running it at over 200 lbs but I WILL do it DAMMIT!), and allowing myself the grace to screw up during the process, because I know myself and I will. But even when I screw up I will get back up, brush myself up and KEEP GOING!
Keep on keepin’ on my friend!
This made me a little teary. I’m hungover, so that’s at least part of the reason…
You GO girl. You’re right, we all have shit to deal with. We just have to keep moving forward. And it’s so cool that you’re running a marathon!! That rocks.
You are rocking. But you know that. I just keep on discovering more and more how rocking your truly are.
Life is a hardass pile of balls a lot of the time. But as long as you are a (relatively) good person and look at things the right way (which is just to take the piss at every opportunity and very rarely be serious) then pretty much everything can be overcome. Even the crazy bad shit.
Lots of love from the UK. Keep your head up lady, you’re doing fab! xx
Thank you! I think I’m mostly a good person. I have zero patience which makes me a tad too bitchy sometimes, but mostly, I’m decent.
The older I get, the less serious I am. It seems absurd to be otherwise. Although, every once in a while, I feel the weight of shit I’m dealing with and it’s mighty heavy.
But then I move on. What else is there to do?
And thanks again for your kind comments.
I’ve got a list too. I think we all have some kind of ‘agony’ list. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and working towards change.
I love that your muscles are bad ass and you’re working hard at achieving your goals!
xo
Yeah, they are coming along nicely. I’m finding I’m able to do so much more than I thought.
Michelle, you’re definitely not the only one to find themselves drowning. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night thinking about my pity party. The anxiety is always worse in the deep dark night. Why is that?
I think it’s because all the other distractions are quiet and then the anxiety gets a chance for center stage..I’m mostly okay. I try to not allow myself to think about the negative, but sometimes it all come crashing down and I feel overwhelmed..
You’re definitely not alone. I’m always feeling bogged down by the nonsense of…well, life. It’s good to stop and gain a little perspective once and awhile.
It really is…And as much as I want everyone to be happy ALL the time, it’s good to not be alone.