Why yes, I HAVE become confident enough to feel qualified to hand out beauty tips. You’re probably gonna want to bookmark this page and refer to it often as I can promise it will come in handy. 
1. Use caution when plucking those gray eyebrows. It’s POSSIBLE that you might overpluck and then it’s also possible that the gray ones will continue to grow, but the fucking bald spot you left will STAY bald and you’ll have to color it in every morning.
2. If you plan on trying hemorrhoid cream beneath your eyes to shrink up the bags, DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND KNOW. Or he might start calling you ass head.
3. The time to stop wearing uncomfortable shoes is NOW. Advice I could have used 8 hours ago.
4. Black eyeliner is always in fashion. But for fuck’s sake, it goes on the OUTER lid, not the inner lid. Inner lid application makes your eyes look all squinty and shoved together, plus, when you blow your nose, black shit will come out.
5. If you hold your head high with an “I’m a badass mother fucker” attitude, you will ALWAYS look better.
5a. Is it ‘Mother fucker’ or ‘motherfucker’?
6. Do not attempt to apply makeup with uneven lighting. The result will be that half of your face will look ‘dirty whore’ while the other half will look ‘Casper the ghost’.
7. If your natural skin tone is ‘red splotches’ and you use green makeup under your foundation to cover the splotchiness, make SURE you cover all the green. Or people will think your mother fucked an alien.
8. Big dark sunglasses are a perfectly acceptable substitute for eye makeup.
9. Don’t wear Crocs. Not ever. If you wear them to garden in, I guess that’s okay. But I will still judge you a little bit.
10. Experimentation with eye makeup is a wonderful thing! But unless you are under the legal drinking age, don’t wear green mascara.
11. If you jab yourself in the eye with your mascara wand, don’t try to fix the ensuing mess you’ve just made of your eye makeup. It’s gone. Over. Finished. Clean it all off and start over. Unless you are already late for work, in which case, refer to #8.
12. If you color your own hair and decide that you’re going to try the box that says it’s really REALLY easy to do your own highlights…Stop. The box is a lie.
13. Always take care that you don’t mix your eye makeup remover with your nail polish remover.
14. Don’t spray hairspray directly into your eyes.
15. If you DO have to color in a bald spot on your left eyebrow, remember to not rub your face during the day. If you do, the bald spot will be uncovered and you will have a brown streak the length of your forehead.
And there you have it. Beauty tips from me.
Obviously, I need a little help. Got any tips of your own?
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
The box IS a lie.
I hate how I do my makeup in my bathroom, feel like it looks great and then get in the car and check and look like a drag queen.
HAHA.. I always hate how I look under the flourescent (or however the fuck you spell it) lighting at work. I think I look goooood at home..then I get to work and I look like my grandma. And she’s dead.
Yes! Drag queen it is. Or I end up looking like a cheap hooker. Lighting fixtures are evil.
Whatever you do, don’t distract the hairstylist while she’s waxing your eyebrows. She may accidentally wax your entire eyebrow off. Then you will have to go to Ulta and draw your eyebrow back on for weeks.
Yikes! I’ve only had my brows done once. I didn’t lose a whole brow though.
I really thought my bald patch would have grown back by now.
NO ONE… and I mean NO. ONE. looks good under fluorescent…
and I used to wax my eyebrows. Until I was getting ready for a big trip overseas for a month to see my boyfriend and fuck if I didn’t wax one of them off entirely by mistake. Yah, I looked really cute for the boyfriend for an entire month.
sigh…
ohhhh…that’s bad..and the no eyebrow look? It’s an odd look….
LOL! These are great (and freaking hilarious!)!
For YEARS (like ten) when I was younger, I over-plucked my brows into a skinny little line. And now, except for a few wandering stray hairs, I haven’t plucked them at all in a few YEARS. They never grew back in again.
( That makes me sad every time I look in the mirror because I would love to have the option of rocking a bold Brooke Shields styled brow just once!
Yeah, I used to pluck mine in a fine line in a way where I always looked VERY SURPRISED!
The alternative to over-plucking is no plucking…which I’m way too guilty of. I’m often reminded by my dear daughter that it’s time to fix the caterpillar that’s growing over my eye. I have Man Brows..and no matter how many times I get them waxed – they always seem to look manly.
That’s definitely when the big, dark sunglasses help. Except when I’m at work – and then I’m just screwed.
I have catepillar eyebrows as well..big thick ones. other than the bald spot
3. If I have to convince myself shoes will stretch, they need to go back in the shelf.
12. Personal advice, get a teenage mentee and encourage her to go to beauty school. Works wonders on the wallet.
16. Accept the fact that you are the perfect height to need both short and regular length pants depending on the shoes you wear.
All good suggestions…
Wonder how pissed Middle sister would be at me if I encourage her daughter to go to beauty school.
She’s totally gonna kick my ass when she read this.
Ah your tips are exquisite! I heard about eyebrows not growing back when I was in my 20′s and was always very careful not to overpluck. But with the grays coming in, it’s crazy tempting!! I shall resist, thanks to your pro tips. Now help for dark under eye circles please :-\
I really am still hopeful it will grow back…
I’ve been using Miracle worker by philosophy and it SEEMS to be helping a bit with the circles. You can get it on sephora.
Tip: don’t let teenage daughters use your hairspray. They no longer hold the can and spray the hair. Instead, the little shit bags hold the can as close as possible to their HANDS, spray, then gunk up their hair. We have gel, but no, hairspray only will give the RIGHT look. Thanks to the little shit bags, the sprayer gunned up and hairspray shot me in the eye.
Loved your tips, each one was superb advice and I agree completely, especially about the crocs.
Have a great day sister!!
HAHAHAAH….kids are great, right?
And you have a great day too…as long as the rain holds off, i get my deck night.
My Aunt Michelle told me when I was 17 to Always put lotion on your knees and elbows. I’m glad Ive been listening or I could have saggy knees and drooping bows.
Thanks Aunt chelle
You’re welcome, baby.