1. Use caution when plucking those gray eyebrows. It’s POSSIBLE that you might overpluck and then it’s also possible that the gray ones will continue to grow, but the fucking bald spot you left will STAY bald and you’ll have to color it in every morning.
2. If you plan on trying hemorrhoid cream beneath your eyes to shrink up the bags, DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND KNOW. Or he might start calling you ass head.
3. The time to stop wearing uncomfortable shoes is NOW. Advice I could have used 8 hours ago.
4. Black eyeliner is always in fashion. But for fuck’s sake, it goes on the OUTER lid, not the inner lid. Inner lid application makes your eyes look all squinty and shoved together, plus, when you blow your nose, black shit will come out.
5. If you hold your head high with an “I’m a badass mother fucker” attitude, you will ALWAYS look better.
5a. Is it ‘Mother fucker’ or ‘motherfucker’?
6. Do not attempt to apply makeup with uneven lighting. The result will be that half of your face will look ‘dirty whore’ while the other half will look ‘Casper the ghost’.
7. If your natural skin tone is ‘red splotches’ and you use green makeup under your foundation to cover the splotchiness, make SURE you cover all the green. Or people will think your mother fucked an alien.
8. Big dark sunglasses are a perfectly acceptable substitute for eye makeup.
9. Don’t wear Crocs. Not ever. If you wear them to garden in, I guess that’s okay. But I will still judge you a little bit.
10. Experimentation with eye makeup is a wonderful thing! But unless you are under the legal drinking age, don’t wear green mascara.
11. If you jab yourself in the eye with your mascara wand, don’t try to fix the ensuing mess you’ve just made of your eye makeup. It’s gone. Over. Finished. Clean it all off and start over. Unless you are already late for work, in which case, refer to #8.
12. If you color your own hair and decide that you’re going to try the box that says it’s really REALLY easy to do your own highlights…Stop. The box is a lie.
13. Always take care that you don’t mix your eye makeup remover with your nail polish remover.
14. Don’t spray hairspray directly into your eyes.
15. If you DO have to color in a bald spot on your left eyebrow, remember to not rub your face during the day. If you do, the bald spot will be uncovered and you will have a brown streak the length of your forehead.
And there you have it. Beauty tips from me.
Obviously, I need a little help. Got any tips of your own?