43 Reasons Why We Don’t Work Out

by Michelle on April 13, 2012

Okay…so you DON’T want to work out. You REALLY want to slack off. You need a reason. I have a fuck ton right here for you. Feel free to apply as needed.

HAHAHAHA….Just kidding..

Get OFF YOUR ASS AND WORK OUT.

But before you do..I offer these excuses for your entertainment.

Disclaimer: These are for entertainment only. They are not intended to be used as real excuses. Except reason 4. And maybe 35.

1. Busy writing pithy Twitter comments and RT’ing ass off.

2. Have to bend over and plug in treadmill.

3. Can’t stop staring at massive muscle guy with the raging boner humping the weight bench.

4. Tequila is singing it’s siren’s song.

Better turn off the treadmill lest a salacious robot appear.

5. Too busy feigning interest in hub’s sump pump installation story.

6. Need to check what’s been recently added to Netflix.

7. Forgot brain. Left in cubicle. No brain no gain

8. Can’t shake feeling parallel reality doppelganger already buff.

9. Feel obligated to spend deck time with lonely husband who tells fascinating sump pump installation stories.

10. Turns pretty feet into gnarly, calloused, feet of death.

11. A chafe, chafe here. A chafe, chafe there.

12. The horny, old muscle head who lays his hands on you to “correct” your form.

13. Can’t stand thought of touching workout equipment slickered up by buckets of stranger sweat.

14. Convinced a drive to the liquor store equates a vigorous workout.

15. Busy hoping a bee flies into the mouth of guy who grunts every time he lifts 10 lbs.

16. Half Sack of Halloween candy close to expiration date. (You Sons Of Anarchy friends will get the half sack tribute).

17. Copping bad workout attitude because neighbor’s dog shit in driveway. True fucking story.

18. Can’t eat lunch while doing pull ups, sit ups, or lunges.

19. Camel toe phobic while wearing last years too small workout clothes.

20. Exercise not as interesting as watching hubs install sump pump.

21.   Fucking DOMS.

22.  Walking one room away to treadmill too inconvenient.

23.  Only work out shirt reads “Property of Jackson County  Correctional Facility” .

24.  Fear of choking on brownies while jogging.

25.  Concerned running treadmill will lure salacious robot.

26.  No clean workout clothes and refuse to do naked squats. And nothing will be done on the stability ball sans clothes.

27.  Socks don’t match and refuse to wear panty hose during workout.

28. Fear of SID (Severe Intestinal Distress).

29. Check e-mail. Check e-mail. Check e-mail. Check e-mail. Check e-mail.

30. Dog ate IPod ear buds.

31. Keep falling asleep after laying down on weight bench.

32. Can’t figure out how to manage time with a Mayan calendar.

33.  The world is ending…again. Why bother?

34. On hold while Miss Cleo figures out my future.

35.  Afraid zombies will hear weights clanking.

36. Too busy thinking of creative ways to accessorize workout ensemble.

37.  Tennis shoes only fit left foot.

38.  Can’t make a decision whether to a) workout b) try out grilled cheese donut recipe c) get teeth cleaned d) Confess perverted sexual fantasies to Monsignor Iamnotapedophile.

39. Sam

40. Dean

41. Fuck you. I don’t have to work out.

42. Seriously, I don’t mind being fat.

43. Have you seen our new sump pump?

 

Okay…give them to me…give me your reasons for NOT working out.

Now get rid of them.

And get off your ass.

That is all.

{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Chris April 13, 2012 at 7:27 pm

#26 made me laugh the hardest.

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Michelle April 13, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Funny AND true…because naked stability ball? You’re gonna fucking stick to it.

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SOB April 13, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Convinced that I retain weight by breathing.

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Michelle April 13, 2012 at 7:36 pm

all that extra air has to weigh SOMETHING

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Jackie [Hot at Home] April 14, 2012 at 1:29 am

thinking about getting my hair cut just to get my scale reading down. lol

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SOB April 14, 2012 at 9:09 am

Jackie – I thought about the same thing and now go around with a buzz cut. No difference.

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Courtney B April 13, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Sam and Dean huh? My favorite reason to postpone (not skip) a workout: my bed is too comfy.

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ragemichelle April 13, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Yeah…sam and dean. I am definitely a Dean girl..but am Sam curious.

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Jackie [Hot at Home] April 14, 2012 at 1:29 am

Gee, I dunno. Number 3 seems pretty viable to me.

Number 10 should be stricken. It so does NOT. No I won’t send a pic of my cute feet.

Number 19: KEEP working out and it’s like applying “Camel Toe Be-gone” spray.

26: wear dirty ones. what? you need to start clean to wind up a sweaty mess? gimme a ….

29. I submit to the master. email, fucking email, why can’t I stop checking email?

36. wait. you work out at home and you’re accessorizing to work out? um. um. um. uuuummmmm……..

;-)

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ragemichelle April 14, 2012 at 10:43 pm

I want to look good at all times…even at home.

And if it doesn’t make your feet look bad…WHY THE FUCK DO MY FEET LOOK SO BAD??

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Jackie [Hot at Home] April 15, 2012 at 3:12 am

no clue. I run … a LOT… and a pedi once every month and I’m good to go in the sandals. perhaps go get those babies knived down once a month? callouses do build up and having that cute korean girl come at you with the blade can make a world of difference. (nothing racial intended, I just think the girls at my pedi place kick serious ass with a blade).

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Tara Burner April 14, 2012 at 8:53 am

hysterical!!!

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ragemichelle April 14, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Thank you!!

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Kris @Krazy_Kris April 14, 2012 at 9:40 am

I had not thought about the Mayan calendar. Why thank you!!!! Not that I needed any help of course….

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ragemichelle April 14, 2012 at 10:44 pm

I really try to think of everything..

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Charles Mandel April 14, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I just gave you the Liebster Award. You can pick it up over here:
http://subthree.wordpress.com/2012/04/14/in-which-i-receive-the-bieber/
I’d say, “Don’t hate me/rage at me, but I know you will.” Ha.

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Michelle April 14, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Oddly enough, I was JUST READING it…I’m THRILLED to have a beaver award!!!!!

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Ara April 14, 2012 at 8:36 pm

This was absolutely HILARIOUS!!! Thanks for making me laugh. You’re awesome. I wish I could come up with some other clever excuses, but none of mine are as funny/true as yours.

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ragemichelle April 14, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Thank you!!!!

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JessRoten April 15, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I don’t really have any added excuses, other than shit always happens and I always have to take care of something or someone else.
But, I have some helpful hints for you:
–for the feet: drink water. Lots of it. After all the liquor we consume, we must. stay. hydrated! (Also, tell hubs it’s his job to lotion up your feet nightly and put lubed socks on you, you know, since you take care of hubs in almost the same fashion :)
–Multitask. This will take care of ‘almost’ everything on your list. Go naked on the deck while listening to hubs (no ipod headphones needed), do squats and the ball. Next time there’s dog shit anywhere near your property, pick it up (in sacks of course) and fling it back where it belongs…Great upper body workout and if you clench your tush, even better!
Your posts are intriguing every time!

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ragemichelle April 15, 2012 at 12:47 pm

You are awesome. Great suggestions and I love you like frozen crazy!

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