Okay…so you DON’T want to work out. You REALLY want to slack off. You need a reason. I have a fuck ton right here for you. Feel free to apply as needed.
Get OFF YOUR ASS AND WORK OUT.
But before you do..I offer these excuses for your entertainment.
Disclaimer: These are for entertainment only. They are not intended to be used as real excuses. Except reason 4. And maybe 35.
1. Busy writing pithy Twitter comments and RT’ing ass off.
2. Have to bend over and plug in treadmill.
3. Can’t stop staring at massive muscle guy with the raging boner humping the weight bench.
4. Tequila is singing it’s siren’s song.
5. Too busy feigning interest in hub’s sump pump installation story.
6. Need to check what’s been recently added to Netflix.
7. Forgot brain. Left in cubicle. No brain no gain
8. Can’t shake feeling parallel reality doppelganger already buff.
9. Feel obligated to spend deck time with lonely husband who tells fascinating sump pump installation stories.
10. Turns pretty feet into gnarly, calloused, feet of death.
11. A chafe, chafe here. A chafe, chafe there.
12. The horny, old muscle head who lays his hands on you to “correct” your form.
13. Can’t stand thought of touching workout equipment slickered up by buckets of stranger sweat.
14. Convinced a drive to the liquor store equates a vigorous workout.
15. Busy hoping a bee flies into the mouth of guy who grunts every time he lifts 10 lbs.
16. Half Sack of Halloween candy close to expiration date. (You Sons Of Anarchy friends will get the half sack tribute).
17. Copping bad workout attitude because neighbor’s dog shit in driveway. True fucking story.
18. Can’t eat lunch while doing pull ups, sit ups, or lunges.
19. Camel toe phobic while wearing last years too small workout clothes.
20. Exercise not as interesting as watching hubs install sump pump.
21. Fucking DOMS.
22. Walking one room away to treadmill too inconvenient.
23. Only work out shirt reads “Property of Jackson County Correctional Facility” .
24. Fear of choking on brownies while jogging.
25. Concerned running treadmill will lure salacious robot.
26. No clean workout clothes and refuse to do naked squats. And nothing will be done on the stability ball sans clothes.
27. Socks don’t match and refuse to wear panty hose during workout.
28. Fear of SID (Severe Intestinal Distress).
29. Check e-mail. Check e-mail. Check e-mail. Check e-mail. Check e-mail.
30. Dog ate IPod ear buds.
31. Keep falling asleep after laying down on weight bench.
32. Can’t figure out how to manage time with a Mayan calendar.
33. The world is ending…again. Why bother?
34. On hold while Miss Cleo figures out my future.
35. Afraid zombies will hear weights clanking.
36. Too busy thinking of creative ways to accessorize workout ensemble.
37. Tennis shoes only fit left foot.
38. Can’t make a decision whether to a) workout b) try out grilled cheese donut recipe c) get teeth cleaned d) Confess perverted sexual fantasies to Monsignor Iamnotapedophile.
41. Fuck you. I don’t have to work out.
42. Seriously, I don’t mind being fat.
43. Have you seen our new sump pump?
Okay…give them to me…give me your reasons for NOT working out.
Now get rid of them.
And get off your ass.
That is all.