So, Randy and I are watching Paul Simon and Friends on Netflix.
The show starts with Lyle Lovett singing Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover. I really like Lyle Lovett. Not a huge country music fan, but I do like Lyle Lovett. (I have been told in no uncertain terms that he is NOT country, but it sounds like country to me, so fuck it).
Okay, I’ll get to the point in a minute. As Lyle Lovett ages, he looks more and more like Geoffrey Rush. Lyle can sing his ass off, but damn..he’s not real pretty. I bet, in his head, he is CONSTANTLY screaming “I WAS MARRIED TO JULIA ROBERTS! HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN”?
As much as I like Lyle Lovett, I didn’t really like his cover of my absolutely favorite Paul Simon song. And before you music snobs react to that, let me cut you off by saying FUCK OFF. Yes, The Boxer is a great song and Graceland is an incredible album..blah blah blah. Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover is STILL my favorite Paul Simon song.
So…I’m stealing the title.
Here we go: Fifty Ways To Leave Your Blubber
1. Cut out sugar. Or at least cut it way down.
2. Someone very recently told me to think TWICE before eating fried food. I’m still kinda mad at her for that, but she makes a REALLY good point. Think twice before eating fried food.
3. GET OFF YOUR ASS!
4. Decide that you are important enough to be healthy.
5. Make treats and desserts something special..not something daily. Even a little packs of smarties add up if you eat them every day.
6. Think about the people you love. Think about the people who love you. You’ll get more time with them if you’re healthy.
7. Make small changes. They will add up. Take baby steps if you have to, just take the steps. Walk a little more than usual. Plan a few meals rather than just grabbing something on the go.
8. Stop eating so much white bread. Or really, stop eating so much bread.
9. Work out even when you’re tired.
10. Make exercise a priority. Of COURSE you have time. Get up a few minutes early. Spread it out if you have to. Find the time. You’re worth it.
11. If you are eating to make yourself feel better…or to calm yourself…or to silence whatever noise you have screaming in your head, find something to replace the food. Hate to get hung up on the exercise..but I’m finding the harder I sweat, the quieter that fucking noise in my head gets.
12. Don’t skip breakfast.
13. Get enough sleep. HAHAHAHAHA…yeah..I’m an insomniac. I KNOW how hard it is to sleep sometimes. And now I’m going back to the exercise. Since I’ve worked my way out of my eating like shit and no working out hell, I’m finding sleep is coming easier. I wear myself out on the treadmill. I actually slept 6 straight hours last night. It’s been MONTHS since I’ve slept that many hours in a row. That’s worth more than gold. Or at least very nearly.
14. GET OFF YOUR ASS. Or did I mention that one already?
15. Be consistent. Eating healthy some of the time and working out every once in a while isn’t going to do very fucking much.
16. If you’ve strayed from your healthy habits, then forgive yourself. Move on. Care enough to start again.
17. You know that saying about ‘Living well is the best revenge’? Pretty sure being in kick ass shape could work in that regard as well. Find your motivation where you can. Just find it.
18. Seek help if you need to. Trust me, you can find a shit ton of blogs out there that can REALLY help you. Food, exercise, motivation. It’s all there. And it’s free!
19. Drink a lot of water. Staying hydrated is important. Better yet? Replace your soda with water. You can, you know. It’s very simple.
20. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t tell yourself that you want to change and you want to get healthy without MEANING it.
There’s twenty. You didn’t think I was going to really come up with FIFTY did you? Fuck that. You guys finish it up.
Seriously..it’s only 30 more. What can you add to my leave your blubber list?