50 Ways To Leave Your Blubber

by Michelle on March 8, 2012

So, Randy and I are watching Paul Simon and Friends on Netflix.

The show starts with Lyle Lovett singing Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover. I really like Lyle Lovett. Not a huge country music fan, but I do like Lyle Lovett. (I have been told in no uncertain terms that he is NOT country, but it sounds like country to me, so fuck it).

Okay, I’ll get to the point in a minute. As Lyle Lovett ages, he looks more and more like Geoffrey Rush. Lyle can sing his ass off, but damn..he’s not real pretty. I bet, in his head, he is CONSTANTLY screaming “I WAS MARRIED TO JULIA ROBERTS! HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN”?

As much as I like Lyle Lovett, I didn’t really like his cover of my absolutely favorite Paul Simon song. And before you music snobs react to that, let me cut you off by saying FUCK OFF. Yes, The Boxer is a great song and Graceland is an incredible album..blah blah blah. Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover is STILL my favorite Paul Simon song.  

So…I’m stealing the title.

Here we go:  Fifty Ways To Leave Your Blubber

1.  Cut out sugar. Or at least cut it way down.

2.  Someone very recently told me to think TWICE before eating fried food. I’m still kinda mad at her for that, but she makes a REALLY good point. Think twice before eating fried food.


4. Decide that you are important enough to be healthy.

5. Make treats and desserts something special..not something daily. Even a little packs of smarties add up if you eat them every day.

6. Think about the people you love. Think about the people who love you. You’ll get more time with them if you’re healthy.

7. Make small changes. They will add up. Take baby steps if you have to, just take the steps. Walk a little more than usual. Plan a few meals rather than just grabbing something on the go.

8. Stop eating so much white bread. Or really, stop eating so much bread.

9. Work out even when you’re tired.

10. Make exercise a priority. Of COURSE you have time. Get up a few minutes early. Spread it out if you have to. Find the time. You’re worth it.

11. If you are eating to make yourself feel better…or to calm yourself…or to silence whatever noise you have screaming in your head, find something to replace the food. Hate to get hung up on the exercise..but I’m finding the harder I sweat, the quieter that fucking noise in my head gets.

12. Don’t skip breakfast.

13. Get enough sleep. HAHAHAHAHA…yeah..I’m an insomniac. I KNOW how hard it is to sleep sometimes. And now I’m going back to the exercise. Since I’ve worked my way out of my eating like shit and no working out hell, I’m finding sleep is coming easier. I wear myself out on the treadmill. I actually slept 6 straight hours last night. It’s been MONTHS since I’ve slept that many hours in a row. That’s worth more than gold. Or at least very nearly.

14. GET OFF YOUR ASS. Or did I mention that one already?

15. Be consistent. Eating healthy some of the time and working out every once in a while isn’t going to do very fucking much.

16. If you’ve strayed from your healthy habits, then forgive yourself. Move on. Care enough to start again.

17. You know that saying about ‘Living well is the best revenge’? Pretty sure being in kick ass shape could work in that regard as well. Find your motivation where you can. Just find it.

18. Seek help if you need to. Trust me, you can find a shit ton of blogs out there that can REALLY help you. Food, exercise, motivation. It’s all there. And it’s free!

19. Drink a lot of water. Staying hydrated is important. Better yet? Replace your soda with water. You can, you know. It’s very simple.

20. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t tell yourself that you want to change and you want to get healthy without MEANING it.


There’s twenty. You didn’t think I was going to really come up with FIFTY did you? Fuck that. You guys finish it up.

Seriously..it’s only 30 more. What can you add to my leave your blubber list?

{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

Jackie [Hot at Home] March 8, 2012 at 10:16 pm

I loooooove #11 (and well… #2 also… *w*)

I’ll post on my walls, maybe some of my troupe can help you fill in this list (it’s a great list… even if it topped out at 20).



Michelle March 8, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Yeah, I thought you might like the second one. :)

And thank you!


Deb March 8, 2012 at 10:18 pm

2. The only fried food I eat any more is fish and chips, and that’s like a 4 or 5 times a year thing because the place we go is PRICEY but so good! Ouch! It really is a special treat for us.

4. Yes! You DESERVE to be HEALTHY!

8. We’ve really stepped away form white anything over the last few years. No white bread, and only whole wheat pasta and brown rice.

18. This is so true! The runners blogs I read are so inspiring to me as are the blogs of those who have lost a lot of weight and kept it off long term.

20. Mean the pants of of it. If you don’t believe it, you’re wasting your time. Believe it and earn the right to say it!

21. Stop rewarding yourself with food! Unless its a carrot or a plate of lettuce sans dressing, you’re not helping yourself at all with food rewards.

22. Drink more water.


Michelle March 8, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Woo hoo!! and we are closer to FIFTY!

21 is also very important. Finding a healthier reward system is great!!


Jackie [Hot at Home] March 8, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I used to reward myself with something I decided I’d call “bath snacks” … If I had a really good week, I’d reward myself at the end of the week with a really loooooooong nice scented bath with expensive oils or floating scented flower petals or whatever the bath shop had that looked tempting. Scented candles if I really felt I deserved something super special . Soft music. Phone and computer turned off. Calming. (also helps with those noises in your head to take the time to get in tune with the inner you while you reward the outter you)

Bath snacks!!!! :-)


Deb March 9, 2012 at 2:57 am

Love this Jackie! I’m about to go for a soak in the tub right now to sooth my aching legs- really pushed myself tonight at the gym, and if I don’t, I’m gonna hate life tomorrow!


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 8:12 am

My bathtub is fucked and all I’ve had are showers for over a year now.

I would cut someone for a long, hot batch.


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 8:20 am



Tara Burner March 9, 2012 at 7:49 am

love it…
eat unprocessed foods
eat as close to nature as possible
dont drink alcohol or at least keep to a minimum


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 8:11 am

I guess we can leave the alcohol one on the list as it IS sound advice.

That i am not going to follow. :)

Have a great weekend, chica!!


Lauri Rottmayer March 9, 2012 at 9:46 am

Good stuff here, even if I’m not much of a Paul Simon fan. ;-)


Michelle March 9, 2012 at 9:54 am

Thanks! I’ve always loved Paul Simon…

Not sure he’d appreciate me hijacking his title and all..but…


Sinner Ella March 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

#22) Write everything down. If you can’t or forget, take a photo with your phone. There are a ton of apps for iOS and Android that logs your calories and tracks activity for you to make this easier. And SparkPeople.com has tracking, support, and recipes to get healthy.
#23) DO THIS SHIT FOR YOU! Don’t do.it for someone else, success is much less likely.
#24) GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE! Try a new workout. Do that one at least 3 times to see if it works for you, if not what the hell did you lose? 20 minutes? Big deal.
#25) Tell everyone what you’re doing and ask for support. Take the advice that you’re comfortable worth.
#26) Make small attainable goals OFTEN! Don’t mark a goal for 100 pounds in 6 months. That retarded and unhealthy. Use your activity as the first step. Get moving and after 2-3 weeks of consistent exercise and THEN change your food intake. It shocks your body into a faster metabolism and Burns the fat.
#27) WEIGHTS WEIGHTS WEIGHTS! Don’t assume cardio is gonna do it all.


Michelle March 9, 2012 at 10:25 am

Great additions!!!

You get big fat smooches for them.


Jackie [Hot at Home] March 9, 2012 at 5:18 pm

I really like Ella’s #25. made me think of that smartie lady. ;-)


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm

It was a smartie free day today..none were offered..none were eaten..


Jackie [Hot at Home] March 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

that makes it easy!! :-)

Sinner Ella March 9, 2012 at 10:22 am

EDIT! CARDIO IS NOT NOT NOT gonna do it all. Muscle Burns more fat and your metabolism has to work harder to feed and maintain the muscle. Women will NOT bulk up like men. Our bodies aren’t built that way.


Michelle March 9, 2012 at 10:26 am

Yeah..I have to start lifting weights again.

I don’t know why I haven’t started yet. I actually love it.


SinnerElla March 9, 2012 at 11:26 am

With the amount of rage you and I have, we could kick Superman’s ass if we wanted. LIFT WOMAN, LIFT!!!!
Son told me that my tattoo was swollen the other day. Had to correct him. It was my muscle. LOL Totally high-5′d him and told everyone I could. hahahahaha


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 1:49 pm

THAT is full of awesome!


Jackie [Hot at Home] March 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

*whisper* monnnndaaaayyyy….!!!! :-)


SinnerElla March 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Monday is what everyone says on Friday. DO IT TODAY! Even if for 20 minutes. If you keep making plans to start another day, shit’s gonna happen and then where will you be? ‘Naw I’m is sayin’? lol


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 7:57 pm

SHUT UP! I worked out this morning…and I’m DRINKING now…shhhh…

I’m busy.

Jackie [Hot at Home] March 9, 2012 at 9:00 pm

SinnerElla – its an inside joke. she knows what I mean. :-)

ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 9:02 pm

yeah..and I am TOTALLY busted on Monday..fucking hell

Jackie [Hot at Home] March 9, 2012 at 9:20 pm

LOL… you’re gonna LOVE it… !!! I got all excited last night while I was looking things over.


Lisa March 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I love this list!!!!


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Hey sister! Thanks…I hope you have a great weekend!


Cheryl March 9, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Well, according to Wikipedia Lyle Lovett is country. That makes it fact doesn’t it? Everyone else who disagrees can go suck it. I haven’t heard his version of the song and I already hate it. No one but Paul Simon should sing 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. Just saying.


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Yeah, like I said..I LIKE Lyle Lovett..but that’s Paul’s song..


Kendra March 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I have to voice my support for #1 all the way. Unless it’s alcohol, then it’s totally different.


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

yeah, we don’t count the sugar in alcohol. fuck that in the face…


SinnerElla March 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Right in the face with a giant rotting gorilla penis.


ragemichelle March 9, 2012 at 7:56 pm

We could so rule the world.


Ara March 10, 2012 at 12:29 am

Thanks for posting this. I love it!


ragemichelle March 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Thank you!!


Shannon March 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm

- Whatever makes you want to get healthy is valid. Me? I want to be hot. And make my ex jealous.
-You don’t have to eat things just because you think you have to. If you want to have a burger, that’s cool. You just don’t have to have fries with it just because you always have a burger and fries.
-Eat a couple of (non-fried) fish meals a week.
-Try new things – new ingredients, new spices, new cooking methods. You might just be surprised – maybe you hated broccoli as a kid because your mom boiled the hell out of it, but roasted broccoli – yummmm.
-Do what works for you. I need to weigh every day. You may not. Both ideas are valid. Don’t buy into what works for other people.
-Fad diets are bullshit.
-If you really ARE working hard and eating right and exercising and not losing weight, see your doctor. You might have a condition that needs to be treated.
-If hunger isn’t the problem, food isn’t the solution.

That’s all! Great post!


Michelle March 12, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Really REALLY great list!!!


Yum Yucky March 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

“Get off your ass!” I will yell this to my husband again, but he ain’t gonna listen. Nope.


ragemichelle March 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Yeah, I don’t know why they don’t listen…


thoughtsappear March 13, 2012 at 8:22 am

I’ve managed to hardly ever eat fried food and cut out the white bread (cut out almost all bread actually), but cutting out the sugar and desserts seems impossible. So I’m working on cutting back.


Michelle March 13, 2012 at 8:58 am

That’s awesome! I too, cut out bread and sugar but then I let a lot of shit get in my way and now I’m back at square one.

It’s been a rocky start…but I’m getting my head around it again. I just need ot keep reminding myself how much better I felt without it. And how much easier it will be to deal with the stress in my life if I feel better.


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