Okay…2012
I am taking 2012 by the short hairs. No more whining about starting over. No more dwelling on my swelling. What the fuck good does it do? Not a damn bit.
To be perfectly honest..the eating hasn’t improved much. Can’t do much about that, either. I guess I could take up an acute case of bulimia and lose the chicken wings and mozerella sticks I had for dinner.
Not that I’m making light of bulimia…more working through a few feelings of guilt over eating too much. There might have been a cookie involved as well.
What I’m doing is taking care of little moments. My life is so up and down right now that I’m dizzy. Overworked and frazzled? Well…a few packs of smarties makes THAT all better. Raw terror washing over me while worrying about my addict son..nothing helps THAT moment pass better than a donut or toast and jelly or hot chocolate or a tub of popcorn and movie with my baby boy. I’m only acting on the moments. You know, the hard ones. But the moments are all running together..until they aren’t moments anymore. It’s my life. And I’m working very hard at making it as difficult as possible.
But THAT is not what I want to talk about tonight. I am going to talk about what’s new and what’s leaving.
My elliptisuck has served me well for the past year. Perhaps the past few months it was more of a dust catcher than anything, but it never stooped to the level of coat hanger. Even so, the era of the elliptisuck has passed. To take it’s place, is my bright, shiny new dreadmill. The dreadmill is more quiet! It plugs in and has programs that I don’t understand at all! It’s kinda scary and I’m pretty sure I’ll fall off of it sooner or later! And it was free!
It’s not that I’m abandoning the elliptisuck. I don’t think I’ve talked much about the house I live in. Other than maybe how much I love decorating it..but (and you MIGHT be shocked) it’s not all that big. Yes, it’s true..Michelle doesn’t live in a mansion. She lives in a smallish quad level with 3 hulking males. There just isn’t room for their big dumb asses, a dreadmill AND an elliptisuck. And, well, to be fair, my ever expanding ass. Something has GOT to go. I’m picking the elliptisuck and half my ass.
I’m ready for the dreadmill. I want to run. I was starting to get some strength before I allowed life to pull the rug out from under me. I want to run again. I will run in an event this year. I’d really like to run in a half marathon, but I’m not sure I’ll make that. I WILL, however, run in a 5K. Gotta start somewhere right?
So far, I’m struggling with walking 2 miles.
I need a moment. I’m mourning again. FUCKING HELL!!! 2 miles was NOTHING 6 months ago. I’m so pissed that I lost so much AND gained so much.
Okay..better now. (not really)
I feel kinda bad for the elliptisuck. It’s squeaky, I mean SQUEAKY. I have to turn Buffy WAAAAY up in order to hear the show when I’m elliptisucking. Not that I really NEED to have the volume up. I’ve seen it already. Lot’s of times. Don’t judge. At least I don’t watch Snookie and I’m not entirely sure I could pick a Kardashian out of a crowd. And I’m pretty sure neither of them have died twice AND had sex with TWO vampires.
Anyway, I found a good home for the elliptisuck. My fuzzy pseudo kid expressed a desire to lose the little pouch he’s grown over the past few months. So, I guess I can feel good about helping him out. Not sure he TRULY understands about the squeakiness, though. Either way…he’s got to haul it and I’ll have a family room that people can actually walk in again.
Here’s to me. I’m going to stop seeing this as starting over.
What I’m doing is starting.
All that matters is this moment on.
If you find you’re in my shoes as well…please know that you can always begin. ANY TIME YOU WANT. And if you’ve been in my shoes and have come out on the other side. Please tell me all about it. I need to hear it.
Probably more than once.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve been there. A few years ago I went from 258 pounds down to 196. It was great. I felt good. I looked pretty good too. Then I just gave up. Made it back to 250.5 pounds again before I said “the hell with this! I hate being fat!” last October and got my ass back in gear again. I got derailed over the holidays, so had to lose 4 pounds twice there, but I’m coming on my third mini-goal and expect to reach it within the next week or two.
You can get back on the horse and you can kick some ass! Get on the treadmill and walk. When you think you can’t do any more, do ten more minutes. Before you know, you’ll be walking a 5k in an hour, and then more then that. And eventually running!
You can do this Michelle!
THank you. And while I am NOT happy that you derailed and had to start over, it is EXTREMELY encouraging to hear this. I need it.
So sorry you are going through this stuff! I think it’s great you are trying to get back at it. Don’t beat yourself up for starting over. You have to start somewhere.
As for your question…I’m trying to come back from another flare up of my running injury. So not running much. I hate the treadmill and would rather run outside but I hate the rain more so I go to the gym!
I am totally digging the treadmill. I never got over feeling self conscious outside. I would LIKE to get over myself and stop being so vain..but that’s not likely.
I’ll get back there. I just want to feel good again.
Sorry you’re hurt…but it’s just a setback. Not the end. That’s what I have to keep telling myself! It’s just a setback.
I keep telling myself that too. I wish it would just heal already!
Michelle you are one strong bitch and you are gonna rock that dredmill and your 5k! Love ya girlie!! YOU CAN DO IT!
THank you!!! I really appreciate it. This has been a down day and your comment made me smile. I appreciate smiles more than I ever have in my life these days.
You can do it! I’m trying to build back all the broken, neglected pieces of my life and for the past four days (yup, moment by moment, day by day…still at that level) I have felt pretty damn well in control.
(five days ago I enjoyed every greasy buttery piece of that huge tub of movie popcorn you referenced).
I’ve been going to the gym and eating better and well, then I missed my supercool gym class yesterday because of unavoidable kid stuff and I let hyperstress take over tonight when I had to clean up disgusting dog diarrhea off the carpet twenty minutes ago and try not to blow chunks of my healthy salad on top. I’m not anywhere near a solid foundation yet, but I’m with you. I will lose this weight. I will regain control. (so what if it’s been eight years since the scale went in the other direction, right?) Now is now; moving on.
I’m glad you mentioned my all-time fav super-heroine Buffy; I need to pull out those dvds and eek motivation out of all the glorious demon-kicking violence. Because it helps me kick the demons in my head who at least at evil as the ones she battles. I think “Glory” is my inner mean girl.
And I have my own elliptisuck in my living room, I just need to get up earlier in the mornings so I can spend more time on it. 21 minutes of “SOB!!! I’m going to be late AGAIN, gotta get in the shower NOW!” is not nearly enough to remove any of the cellulite that is my…well, me.
Eight years ago, I worked my ass off losing twenty pounds in six weeks by getting up at four to ellipisuck and kickbox (awesome anger management) before work, then back afterwards for advanced step class and weights. I felt strong and really liked being described as “hard core”.
I miss that feeling and I want it back.
Don’t beat yourself up about starting over, at least you didn’t stay in a moment-to-moment, double-stuff oreos emotional-feeding frenzy for almost a decade!
YOU. ARE. STRONG. Use the Rage, it will get you though. (It’s way tougher than “the FORCE”, with all that mind-freakingness. Just punch stuff already.)
Your son will pull through, he’s got your genes and he will beat this.
Lisa, I adore you.
I’m so happy we’re doing this together. I miss that feeling too and I need it back.
I hope my son will be okay. I honestly don’t know. If there is one thing I have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt, is I don’t know shit when it comes to this.
I have good days. Today wasn’t bad.
I know exactly what you mean with the room issue. The back half of my living room is full of work-out equipment…that now serves as toys for my 4 year old. She uses the full weight bench (weights are locked) as her toy car, and the stair stepper as…well, I’m not sure what she uses it as but she’s on it quite a bit.
I’m back on the horse again, after a 6 month hiatus. It sucks donkey balls going from losing 88lbs and being able to run 3 miles to being in the 240s again and barely being able to walk a mile. I know I’ll get the strength back and the weight gone, though. I’ve joined a gym, again, and got a trainer. I’m also going to dust off that equipment and upset my 4 year old. Momma’s back…and she’s making weight loss her bitch this year!!
YES!!!! You GO girl.
Imma make it my bitch as well. This is my last year until I turn the new 30..and when I turn the new 30, I wanna look good.
Wait..I already look good. I wanna look better!
I’ve been there..oh wait I am there…
I haven’t done ANYTHING for 6 weeks til 2 days ago I managed to sneak in a 20 min bike ride…
not that my ‘moments’ have been as intense as yours but can sooo relate to the moments running into each other til they’re not moments…theyre life…that hit me hard…
i wish i had a elliptisuck or dreadmill..alas I have a bike…not much room in 800 sq ft w/myself, teen and dog…no mansion here! lol
and I know you’ll rock it and get the strength back, weight down…i’m on that mission with you girl
We all have issues. I can be thankful that my son is alive. I’ve known far too many people who survived their own children. That’s not supposed to happen.
I’m glad you’re on the mission with me! Let’s kick it’s ass.
Good for you! Run your ass off girl. I’m working on the same thing.
I’ll be right behind you..goosing you every step..
Hey, Michelle, remember me? You deserve all sorts of props! YOU got me moving, that’s why I haven’t been around your blog or mine. Last May I decided that if you can push through it all, I could too, so I got up and did it.
I’m still not ready to publish solid numbers ( as in how much I weigh or started at), but I lost 40 lbs from May to October. WHOO HOO! Then Halloween hit. Then Thanksgiving, then Christmas… anyway, I gained 12 lbs back, but that’s ok. I missed my original mark by 2 pounds, forgave myself, took a holiday break, anticipating some gains, and now I’m back on the road again.
We don’t start, fail, restart, fail, re-restart, etc. We take well deserved breaks, then get back to work. IF you don’t regret your vacations from work, why regret your vacations from healthy eating? Whether it’s a holiday or a depressive period, we all have to take a break from the path we’re on, as long as we find our way back to it we’re golden.
Get on that dreadmill and show it who’s boss!! Our kids might drive us bugshit, our friends and families might make us what to choke somebody, our torture devices may irritate us (my treadmill broke down), and the sugar may call to us, but we will survive. You’re the boss, beat that dreadmill! =D
GAYLA!!!! Of course I remember you!
I’m so glad you’ve had that success!!! That is awesome. And you’re right, regrets really have no place anywhere. What has happened has happened.
It’s really nice to see you again!!!
=D
OK, so I’ll push you, you push me, and we’ll call each other all sorts of nasty names for being so damn pushy until we can start calling each other skinny bitch. Fair enough? hehehe
A couple years ago I had two young kids, a husband who traveled and my Dad passed away. I spent a lot of evenings sitting on the couch, watching TV, eating junk and drinking wine (chillax any judgy moms, a glass or two never affected my parenting and I usually had none when hubby was gone). I thought I was healing but really was wallowing. Then this last spring I saw an ad for a run club, and felt a desire to be a yummy mommy for the summer, and it was spring which is a WAY more energetic season than blah-winter. So I signed up … even though I never ran before. And – I – loved-it! I was good at it too … for my group, I am not winning any medals – 37 year olds who run for the first time after years of sloth do not win medals. But I was winning – because I was happier, healthier, had more energy, and ended up losing 15 lbs! Which doesn’t seem like much, but on me it was as was 15lbs of fat.
Anyway, point is? Find something you love, or learn to love what you have, because that makes it way easier to stick with the plan. And get on board with the online buddies if you can’t meet up in person. I had a treadmill for years that I never used so sold, then used that money to finance the running club. I rarely missed running as didn’t want o miss my friends or not be able to keep up.
Eating is a huge part – I drastically reduced my drinking which kept the pounds off when I couldn’t exercise. And we are eliminating junk from our house, because I have learned I have NO will power – if it is here I will eat it – and not just one! (seriously, what is wrong with me??).
But I am proud, because I am showing my kids that a healthy lifestyle doesn’t stop when they become adults, wives, Moms – they will always be worthy of taking care of themselves, physically and mentally – and so are we.
Good luck!! And if you ever backtrack just remember, each step in the journey is a step towards success, just some people’s roads are more winding than others – but they all lead to the same place, so who cares?
Thank you so much for this! And you are right. I know it’s true. All that matters is the steps going forward.
I had a minor surgery yesterday, so i’m resting until Monday…and THEN..it’s back at it. For now? I’m watching Lost all over again.
No judgement, Cande, I mourned my mom the same way.
Great advice on getting off the couch, find something you love. =D
Michelle, I’m coming back in to hijack your comments. I don’t mean to be rude/totally off topic, but want to ask a favor. I read your blog regularly, and the worst you can do is say no or delete my comment.
My good friend was the victim of a violent crime and has no health insurance. Could you please spread the word for the cause? We’re trying to raise money to put a dent in his medical bills. You can see more about what happened and photos here on my blog: http://debslosingit.com/help-fix-jeremys-face/.
If you can’t repost the information, and you use Stumble Upon, could you at least thumbs up the post and share it with your friends? Thank you so much! I would really appreciate it!