Okay, not COMPLETELY starting over.
The truth of the matter is, it very nearly is. I’m not back in my old clothes..but give me another two months the way I’ve been going and I’m at square one all over again.
You know those moments. The little ones where you realize that shit has gotten out of control? The realization that you’ve slipped much further than you’ve allowed yourself to admit?
That moment came for me the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.
We had just made it to Florida and hubs wanted to go to a specific beach as soon as we got there. This particular beach is a mile walk (flat ground, paved walkway) from the parking lot.
A fucking mile. Walking a mile is NOTHING.
Sure, I only managed to run 3 miles ONE time, but still…walking a mile..that isn’t even a warm up.
Here is how I KNOW I’ve slipped way too far back. On the walk, I saw a snake cross the path. It wasn’t a HUGE snake, but it was probably 3.5 to 4 feet long. And it wasn’t an Ohio snake. It was a FLORIDA snake. I realize the wildlife in Florida isn’t quite as scary as say, Australia, but it sure as fuck beats Ohio. If I even see a little garter snake, I’m indoors for a while. (Fuck off, I can be a pussy about snakes if I want)
I wasn’t crazy about the snake, but at that point, we had walked at least halfway and it was a SWELTERING 72 degrees out. 6 months ago, I would have screamed and ran and my flip flops wouldn’t have TOUCHED pavement until my ass was at the beach. What happened this time? I thought..Huh…there’s a snake. And I slowed down until it slithered on by. I didn’t have the energy to have my normal snake freak out. For all I knew this could have been like the deadliest snake in all of Florida. Or maybe it was rare breed who would love nothing more than to nest in my hair and lay eggs in my ears.
Really? I’ve lost THAT much already? I’ve gotten so out of shape again that I can’t even be bothered to run from a serpent? Oh..and let’s not even TALK about what I’ve gained. Actually, I CAN’T talk about what I’ve gained because I haven’t weighed myself. I can’t bring myself to do that. Quite honestly, I would not be doing myself any favors. Discouragement really would NOT be my friend.
Here’s what happens next: Tomorrow, hubs, my older boy and I will go pick up a treadmill that a work friend is giving to me. I will start walking again. And very soon, I’ll start running again.
I want…no NO NO! I WILL run a half marathon in 2012. Why not? I can do that. I can do ANYTHING I WANT.
I can make all the excuses I want. Quite honestly, 2011 has been shit. I’ve had a lot of obstacles thrown my way and my way of dealing with the obstacles has been to eat whatever I fucking wanted to eat, watch TV and not do SHIT to take care of myself. I feel like shit now. How does this help? How am I supposed to even BEGIN to deal with anxiety and pain if I feel like shit physically.
And I really hated looking like a keg on legs in our vacation pictures. Still..GREAT fucking beach hair. You know, when the wind and the salt water settle in and you get that semi-dreadlock, dirty whore look. Yeah..I fucking ROCKED that look.
You’ve seen Gone With The Wind, right? That scene where Vivien Leigh totally over-acted the scene where she pulled the carrot from the ground and and screamed “As God is my witness, I will NEVER go hungry again”!
Well, this is me, doing my best Southern Belle, Vivien Leigh impression:
As God is my witness, I WILL be scared as fuck of snakes again!