It’ll Be Just Like Starting Over

by Michelle on December 9, 2011

Okay, not COMPLETELY starting over.
The truth of the matter is, it very nearly is. I’m not back in my old clothes..but give me another two months the way I’ve been going and I’m at square one all over again.

You know those moments. The little ones where you realize that shit has gotten out of control? The realization that you’ve slipped much further than you’ve allowed yourself to admit?

That moment came for me the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

We had just made it to Florida and hubs wanted to go to a specific beach as soon as we got there. This particular beach is a mile walk (flat ground, paved walkway) from the parking lot.

A fucking mile. Walking a mile is NOTHING.

Sure, I only managed to run 3 miles ONE time, but still…walking a mile..that isn’t even a warm up.

Here is how I KNOW I’ve slipped way too far back. On the walk, I saw a snake cross the path. It wasn’t a HUGE snake, but it was probably 3.5 to 4 feet long. And it wasn’t an Ohio snake. It was a FLORIDA snake. I realize the wildlife in Florida isn’t quite as scary as say, Australia, but it sure as fuck beats Ohio. If I even see a little garter snake, I’m indoors for a while. (Fuck off, I can be a pussy about snakes if I want)

I wasn’t crazy about the snake, but at that point, we had walked at least halfway and it was a SWELTERING 72 degrees out. 6 months ago, I would have screamed and ran and my flip flops wouldn’t have TOUCHED pavement until my ass was at the beach. What happened this time? I thought..Huh…there’s a snake. And I slowed down until it slithered on by. I didn’t have the energy to have my normal snake freak out. For all I knew this could have been like the deadliest snake in all of Florida. Or maybe it was rare breed who would love nothing more than to nest in my hair and lay eggs in my ears.

Really? I’ve lost THAT much already? I’ve gotten so out of shape again that I can’t even be bothered to run from a serpent? Oh..and let’s not even TALK about what I’ve gained. Actually, I CAN’T talk about what I’ve gained because I haven’t weighed myself. I can’t bring myself to do that. Quite honestly, I would not be doing myself any favors. Discouragement really would NOT be my friend.

Here’s what happens next: Tomorrow, hubs, my older boy and I will go pick up a treadmill that a work friend is giving to me. I will start walking again. And very soon, I’ll start running again.

I want…no NO NO! I WILL run a half marathon in 2012. Why not? I can do that. I can do ANYTHING I WANT.

I can make all the excuses I want. Quite honestly, 2011 has been shit. I’ve had a lot of obstacles thrown my way and my way of dealing with the obstacles has been to eat whatever I fucking wanted to eat, watch TV and not do SHIT to take care of myself. I feel like shit now. How does this help? How am I supposed to even BEGIN to deal with anxiety and pain if I feel like shit physically.

And I really hated looking like a keg on legs in our vacation pictures. Still..GREAT fucking beach hair. You know, when the wind and the salt water settle in and you get that semi-dreadlock, dirty whore look. Yeah..I fucking ROCKED that look.

You’ve seen Gone With The Wind, right? That scene where Vivien Leigh totally over-acted the scene where she pulled the carrot from the ground and and screamed “As God is my witness, I will NEVER go hungry again”!

Well, this is me, doing my best Southern Belle, Vivien Leigh impression:

As God is my witness, I WILL be scared as fuck of snakes again!

{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

SOB December 9, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I don’t like snakes either, usually because I discover them within boot reach unexpectedly. I shot one that thought our burning pit was it’s home. I dislike the memory of that so I’ve let other snakes, since then, go their own way. Besides, they eat mice and stuff. I do not, however, like them even though I’ve called a truce on them.

As far as being afraid of the scale goes, I have that every time I go to use it. I am one steenking pound away from a recent low. Weeks to lose one pound. I NEED to lose that steenking pound and hopefully the impetus and momentum will continue like a steamroller knocking some pounds off, underneath, left and right like rolling through a forest of saplings, (if impetus is the right word.)

:)

Never give up, Michelle. Don’t quit quitting. Lose it, You’ve lost it before, work up that rage and willpower to put the fork down.

Before my wife went on vacation she left 9 pounds worth of delicious goulash and probably as much chili. Awesome chili. I’m sitting here hungry and refusing to satiate myself with a big bowl of chili.

I’ll keep that for lunch tomorrow. One meal a day until I get to where I want to be.

This might sound odd, coming from a man, but there is a pair of jeans that I want, I want them in 32 or 34 for winter. I have jeans up the wazoo already and have put quite a few pairs in those large vacuum seal bags. (Awesome-BTW.)

Don’t hang clothes or anything on your treadmill. I suggest putting it, like we did, in the living room so that we can watch our big ass TV. Don’t set yourself up for failure and angst. Take care of yourself and you’ll be okay. Living happily is hard enough.

Love your blog.

Reply

ragemichelle December 10, 2011 at 12:43 am

Thanks Ron..I didn’t let the elliptisuck go to waste..I’ll use the treadmill..

and yes..I can do this again. I’ll even do it better this time. :)

Thanks for reading..I always love your comments

Reply

Jackie [Hot at Home] December 9, 2011 at 10:56 pm

maybe it’s not the weight.. maybe you’re just getting over your crazy snake fear!! :-)

Ya know what I do when life is shit and I don’t feel like a normal person? I FORCE myself to make time for a workout. It’s the ONLY time in my life sometimes that I can feel like a normal person for an hour. It saves me. Try doing that instead of the couch thing (cuz believe me I KNOW how tempting the couch thing IS… but it doesn’t make me feel REAL again like a workout does).

xo
luv ya super lots.
J

Reply

ragemichelle December 10, 2011 at 12:45 am

I did that often..forced myself to workout and I was NEVER sorry.

I just stopped. Fin. Done.

No more. It starts tomorrow.

I gotta work off this hangover I got coming to me.

Reply

Jackie [Hot at Home] December 10, 2011 at 12:57 am

LOL… been out having too much xmas cheer tonight? I did that last night. Paying for it today. ;-)

Reply

Michelle December 10, 2011 at 11:05 am

Yeah..maybe a little…I’m not too bad myself..but hubs is a hurting little puppy right now..

Reply

Lisa December 9, 2011 at 11:11 pm

I hear ya. 2011 was by far one big pile of suck for me too. There were a few things that were positive this year but the negatives really cloud those. It’s frustrating and trying to stay positive is hard sometimes.

Reply

ragemichelle December 10, 2011 at 12:46 am

It REALLY is hard.

But if we don’t keep moving forward, then what do we gain? Besides a bigger ass.

Besides..feeling good…well..it feels fucking good!

Reply

Sherri Renee Adelman December 10, 2011 at 10:46 am

Oh girl – I feel your pain! This sounds so much like me…. minus the snake part – haven’t run across any of those in a while! :-P

I went through hell and back in 2010 – fiance walked out on me with no explanation, no reason… other “friends” (people that were more of a family to me than I have EVER had) deserted me in my greatest time of need. What did I do? Yep, you guessed it… I ran…. no not “hit the pavement kind of run” I RAN TO FOOD. Ahh, my old friend was there just waiting for me to comfort me and make me feel better (for all of five minutes while I scarfed it down!) I had lost over 85 lbs and proceeded to gain over 50 of it back… I quit weighing myself after a while! I was SO FUCKING PISSED OFF!!! So, I registered for a marathon (I had run a 1/2 marathon and run/walked a full marathon already) Yeah, that didn’t keep me motivated – I kept struggling. I ended up doing the 1/2 instead of the full and it sucked – I had to walk so much, I had major pain in my hip, I thought I was going to die. I was so mad – I had gone downhill so fast. So, I am finally back on track – hired a personal trainer (took that money I was spending on junk food and decided to put it to better use). I have lost over 12 pounds in one month and feel so much better! I am hoping to run a 1/2 and full marathon in 2012 (depends on finances for the 1/2, but definitely running the full). Keep on keeping on girl… life is a journey and we learn from everything. Take the “bad” from what has happened and turn it to good – you can use your experiences to help encourage others! You got this! GO Michelle! :-)

Reply

Michelle December 10, 2011 at 11:05 am

Okay..first off..I am SO sorry you went through all that. LIfe is so fucking hard sometimes..

With that being said..I so needed to hear this. It makes me feel better to know I”m not alone in kicking ass, then TOTALLY fucking it up.

Like you said.. I GOT THIS!

And let me know how you are doing as well, okay?

Reply

Joanna December 10, 2011 at 11:19 am

I could have so written this about myself – except for going to Florida or being scared of snakes (I actually have a pet snake. They don’t bother me a bit).

I have also had a shitty year, though. This year I finished school thinking it would be the start of all things falling in to place and finally fulfilling my dreams. Little did I know that I wasn’t going to be able to find a job, and Hubby and I were going to have to make some HUGE sacrifices with our finances. Even after I managed to find a job, it pays less than the first job I ever had working at Hardee’s. Sigh.

It’s been a shit year, for sure. With all the stress came all of the weight gain. In 2010 I got down to my lowest weight since being a teenager. I really thought I had found my comfort zone with losing the weight. Then, once the stress returned, so did the desire to stuff my face….and the weight slowly came back.

I’ve decided that the minute this year has said goodbye, I’m getting back to my old self. I can’t give up. I can’t gain back all that weight I lost…even though I’m well on my way to starting completely over. I know that you can do this, I know that I can do this. We can do this!!

Reply

Michelle December 10, 2011 at 11:23 am

Of course we can!

I’m sorry you’ve slipped backward as well. It sucks. But you know what? It is what it is and we can fix this.

XXOO

I know we can do it!

Reply

JessRoten December 10, 2011 at 11:48 am

Hey, Lovely! Miss you bunches! Well… guess it’s time to fess up, that should make me feel better but it won’t. Maybe it’ll help you or someone else though, so here goes.
2011 *has* been shit, and it’s not over yet. Then there’s the promises of a new year, but it’ll probably be shit too.
This year I lost a shit ton of weight, gained it back plus some, left my size 20 to a 14, then all hell broke lose, I caved in and now I sport some size 22′s. Great fucking fantastic. I’d tell you my weight, but I don’t know it. I don’t want to know it.
I want it gone, but I say that as I lie here in bed, where I’ll most likely be most of the day…unless I take a break for the couch for a bit.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been and will still be moments of passion and true inspiration where I’ll push through several days of ‘being’ healthy (eating healthy, being active, drinking water), then I get … something (bored? tired? stressed? case of I don’t give a shit?) and not only blow it, but more than make up for the days of doing good.
I don’t tell you this to further stress you, depress you, or pull you down. I tell you this, because, sweet Michelle, I love ya like a sister, your hubs helps you so much, you have an excellent support system, and I KNOW you’re going to beat this. It’s an addiction for us, just like crack fiends, ours is stress/emotion induced over eating. In 2012 I’m coming back to make sure you used your resources, fought like hell and kicked ass.

Reply

Michelle December 10, 2011 at 12:15 pm

C’mon Jess..let’s do this. Okay? We can help each other.

Reply

ragemichelle December 10, 2011 at 2:12 pm

I have missed you, it’s good to hear from you again.

We gotta turn this shit around.

XXXXOOOO

Reply

Lisa December 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Add me to the list too please, I’m right in there with y’all. Fatter than ever at the bottom of the big slippery pit of depressive Hell with a hugeass body slathered with fat. everywhere. One comfort for me (Oh, I’m not that big…) has been that my waist always stayed relatively smaller than the rest of me so I looked at least somewhat proportionate. NOT ANYMORE. I look like I’m seven mos pregnant. My face is even huge. And the couch has been my closest friend for the past two years. Separated for a year, divorced for a year and now two years into the most self-hating, pathetic me that my bestest friends barely recognize the IT I’ve become anymore.

BUT it’s time to start from scratch…I adore your blog and you motivate me and I think of you as my most kindred soul who UNDERSTANDS. So I will follow your lead and get back to the strong, positive person I was.
I bought an elliptical and I put it in my living room, SOB!
(as a result, Santa is poor as hell but my kids will get a better mama in the long run and Things Are Not The Most Important Things, right?)

I’m grateful for you, no one else gets the unbridled RAGE and FURY part of this.
I’m grateful for your followers too, more kindred souls! I wouldn’t know any of you on the street but you speak to my heart and I feel ‘not so alone’ in this war.

Let’s do it!!! So what’s the first step? Guide me please. :-)
I want to lose 60lbs of what’s holding me hostage.
I want to be strong again. I want to be UNSTUCK. and I want to hit stuff. ♥

I’m completely out of (self) control and it must end NOW.

Reply

ragemichelle December 10, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Lisa, we are SO not alone. Read the comments.

Guidance? Get your ASS on that elliptical. just start, now.

Personally, I’m gonna cut out white food. Sugar, flour, rice, pasta, potatos. I’ll start there. And I’m going to attempt to get more fruits and veggies in..

Reply

ragemichelle December 10, 2011 at 2:11 pm

I completely adore you, by the way. :)

Reply

David (Keep it up, David) December 10, 2011 at 8:05 pm

I want to see a 4-foot snake while on a walk! How exciting. Out here, there’s a good chance that snake will have a rattle at one end of it, but there’s nothing like a little danger to get that heart rate up!

Reply

ragemichelle December 10, 2011 at 8:52 pm

You know that you’re a little odd, right? Not that I don’t appreciate a little weirdness…but rattlesnakes..even NOW, I would haul (large) ass if I saw a rattlesnake.

Maybe.

Reply

GB Girl December 13, 2011 at 11:04 am

Snakes are freakin creepy. I don’t care where they’re from. They don’t have legs! No legs and they can move that quickly? That’s the devil inside.

Anywho, I’m with you. I have totally let my emotional roller coaster of a year (well, six months really) reflect in my belly. If I hear one more person ask if I’m making baby plans and casually glance downward, I’m gonna lose it.

We can do it! If Scarlet can persevere in a hoop dress and corset, we can definitely do it. Although I like the idea of a corset.

Thanks for the kick butt attitude and the reminder that it’s okay to cut ourselves some slack as long as we still keep working towards the bigger goal. This is why you rock.

Reply

ragemichelle December 13, 2011 at 11:41 am

Thank you!

All that matters is what we do TODAY. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn’t happened.

What can we do to take care of ourselves TODAY?

Reply

Cheryl December 27, 2011 at 7:19 pm

I’m with you. I was on vacation for a week. I think I gained 10 lbs. Someone told me Christmas cookies didn’t have any calories, but my hips say otherwise. ;-/

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: