RAGE YOUR WAY THIN
Yeah. Rage your way thin.
This hasn’t been my blog for a long time now. I got lost.
I’m not saying that all the words written weren’t written by me. They were..other than that ONE post hubs wrote for me. But that was a long time ago and doesn’t count.
I haven’t been raging my way anywhere.
What I’ve done, is gain back all but 10 pounds. I feel like shit. I look HORRIBLE.
I’ve spent so much time in a figurative fetal position, only uncurling to eat whatever I could get my greasy little fingers on.
If you’ve read past posts, you know that I’m dealing with an addict. As far as I know, he’s a month clean now. I’ve learned that I actually agree with a Republican in one regard..Ronald Reagan’s slogan, ‘Trust but verify’ has become a way of life for me.
I realized something this morning. Something HUGE.
I expect my son to STOP using a highly addictive substance. His brain will fight this with every breath he takes and it’s likely, from what I understand, that he will crave this drug for years. Perhaps the rest of his life.
I want him to stop.
I have to change WHO I AM to have any chance of helping him. I have to stop enabling. I have to adopt a new way of life, because the reality is, junkies die. They die every single day. If my child takes a road to an early death, it cannot be because I am helping him there. I don’t think I could survive that.
So…what this means is, no more enabling behavior. Hard, fast rules with severe consequences. These consequences could be my child having no where to sleep at night, or sleeping in a homeless shelter or maybe even a jail. But for all that is good..please not in the ground.
His brain will fight this and he is going to hell and back. I’ve watched him withdraw. I understand how horrible this is.
What’s that got to do with me? With my weight gain? Well, like I said…I’ve dealt with this by comforting myself. I ate what I wanted. I watched TV. I read books. I cried for hours. I took the comforting route, even though it was making me feel horrible while I watched my newly shrunken self swell back up again. Why? Well..I guess because falling back in to old habits was comforting.
My realization this morning? I expect my CHILD to defeat a craving that nags at him 24 hours a day. Something that he wants so badly that he was willing to sacrifice the trust of his entire family.
But I continue to let myself go?
Really?
I already KNOW I can lose weight..and I’m pretty sure what I suffered wasn’t fit lick withdrawal’s boots.
I want my son to get healthy and live a productive life. But when I think about exercising again, giving up food that I know is not healthy and is making my ass grow, it’s just too fucking HARD for me to contemplate.
I think you see where I’m going here.
THIS is not a resolution. Fuck resolution’s in the face. This is so much more.
This is me, promising myself and my husband and my children and my grandchildren that I will be healthy for as long as I can.
It ends and starts now. That it’s the first of the year is meaningless to me. It could be Cinco De Mayo or Arbor day or November 13. I don’t give a FUCK about the date. All I know is this, I have to change who I am. I have to have the strength to help my son. I have to have strength regardless of the outcome.
I know you understand me. Maybe not all of you..but a LOT of you. You got dumped..you lost someone you loved..you hate your job..your husband is a dick. You have some pretty fucking compelling reasons to hide and comfort yourself. Fuck, who wouldn’t? That shit is hard.
I am in no way claiming that my pain is more valid. I’m not saying that people haven’t suffered so much more. I am saying, however, that I have been living in my own personal hell.
That’s not a reason to stop.
We are cutting this shit out now. And I’m not asking that you come with…I am just taking you with me.
I can do this. We can. It’s time to let go. It’s time to move on. There isn’t any emotional pain worth losing yourself to. You’re still here. I’m still here. We deserve to live this life feeling GOOD.
I hope that you and I have peace in 2012.
I hope that everyone you love are healthy and happy and productive. And I hope if they aren’t, that you have the strength to live your life anyway. You deserve all that is good. So do I.
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m here to help you in any way you need!!!
Thank you. I appreciate that and it may be that you have to listen to me whine a little bit.
I shall do my best to keep all whining to a minimum.
This hits home with me for a variety of reasons. Here’s to ending the self-inflicted tour of duty in self-designed hell and moving on to better, more peaceful places.
Absolutely..it just doesn’t make sense to do otherwise..
Thanks for the honesty…I hope you find peace in 2012. Addiction comes in all shapes and sizes and can be hard to overcome and deal with but you sound like you are on the right track.
Thank you. I think that instead of waiting for peace, I actually have to go and get it.
That is probably the most determination I’ve ever seen put into words. It sounds like you don’t even need extra support right now, but I’m sure it will be there for you from the blog world when you need it. Go kick butt!
I will be getting more support. I plan to attend the shit out of al anon meetings. I go up and down. I am NOT backing down..but the anxiety around it changes from moment to moment.
I have found that I have no advice that others follow so I don’t give advice. I do understand where you’re coming from.
I have my own issues, as you know. I’m maintaining my weight yet and recently saw a new low. Then Christmas struck and there are some good cooks in my extended family. I’m back to salads. My ass hasn’t gotten bigger even though I may be more of an ass. I don’t care.
You do whatever it takes for you to feel right, that you’re doing the right thing. I support you.
Thank You, Ron!
This is an amazing post. Your honesty, your recognition of all that is wrong and what it will take to try to fix it.
Brought tears to my eyes – I was married to an alcoholic, so I understand fully the pain an addict brings to a family.
Im here if you ever need a shoulder.
Thank you! I don’t know what I’m going to need going forward. This is just out of my league. I’m going to start attending some meetings and continue to educate myself.
And hopefully…I can get myself back. I need to so badly.
Oh honey. I wish I could grab you give you a big fucking hug and then celebrate as we say goodbye to the awful year you had.
I hope with all my might that your son heals and recovers and that in that journey it helps you to get healthy as well.
I’m always here for you if you need anything!
Day by day. That’s how we can get through our obstacles and conquer anything that stands in our way.
Thank you, Colleen.. I really appreicate it! And that whole One Day At A Time thing actually has meaning for me now.
Very awesome and inspiring post. I’m definitely coming with you.
Yay!!!!! We can DO this!
LOVE this!! I can relate, to some extent. I dealt with my fiance walking out of my life with NO explanation and so called “friends” who deserted me in my greatest time of need in the middle of 2010. I gained back all but about 25 lbs in a year. In November I said ENOUGH (Nope, didn’t wait until the end of the year to resolve to make changes!!) I started eating healthy again and hired a personal trainer. I’m losing again, slower than I want, but I’m losing and not gaining. And more importantly I am feeling better. You can do this Michelle!! Get pissed off and take control!! You got this! <3
I would love to hire a personal trainer. I am waiting for a good groupon. One of the problems of being an enabling mother of a junkie son is that you are fucking BROKE all the time.
That will be changing very soon. Another benefit of changing our behavior.
Until then, I will do what I did before. Work out. Eat healthy and lose weight.
ya know I’m here for ya…have my own personal hell that I’m dealing with and want peace for ALL OF US! and, I like you gained back some of my weight and pretty much just didn’t take control…I took my control back 2 days ago so here’s to us conquering 2012 and having some peace in our lives!
Tara, peace sounds so exotic to me right now…and I want more than I’ve ever wanted it. We are going to have peace in 2012 and it will be a good year. Because we are going to make it happen.
Here’s to us!
Me too, I’m here for whatever you need. Even if it’s a trip to escape to NC for awhile to regroup. I’m broke so I can’t send you to the white sand tropics but you’re welcome in my house.
I have never had to deal with someone else’s addiction and with it being your son, I can’t imagine the heart-wrenching, soul-sucking agony it must be that you can’t do it for him and take away the pain. If there’s anything I can ever do to help just let me know. Vent away my kindred sister!
Michelle, AGAIN you mirror my soul’s cry for control. I’ve let my life deteriorate right before my eyes and I need to STOP IT. Wow, I so wish you lived in NC so you could be my gym-buddy! So I’m right where you are (minus the already doing it once and knowing it’s possible). Let’s do this!!
I’ve got the RAGE and I’m ready!!!
Bring on the Battle for Peace in 2012.
HAHAHA…I adore you! A battle for peace…that is awesome.
And thank you for the offer. It’s so nice to have such a wonderful community of friends and support. That means the world to me.
I might not be in NC..but that doesn’t mean we can’t work out together. We should check in with each other…have some accountability.
Hey Sharla, your description, “self-inflicted tour of duty in self-defined hell” is true, blinding reality. Great wording! My mail has been forwarded there for years and it’s time to get the Hell out!
It really is a wonderful and terrible description isn’t it? And dead on accurate..
This is my first visit to your blog. I follow you on Twitter. As a recovering codependent (as they called me when I visited my now ex husband in rehab), I can only say I admire your rage, gumption & determination. Keep fighting strong lady!
Oh. Wow. You’re one of my favorite people to read, so it’s quite cool to see this. Amazing how much addiction affects so many different people. I’m glad you read..hope you read more.
I’m not always a downer.
Oh wow! I’m honored. More importantly, downer or not, you’re real. And that’s rare. I will 100% be back!
((hug))
luv u.
Thanks, Jackie. It’s been really rough and like an addict, I had to hit rock bottom myself.
I hit it HARD. My only option now is UP. Thanks for always being there.
XXOO
I am facing many problems now too, all coming down to my mental health. I feel like my life is falling apart and I don’t think it can get much worse. I’m trying to feel better, lose weight, and most importantly, not lose the love of my life. There are so many changes that need to be made, but there’s not room or time for more excuses. Things have to changes, and they will change. Your post was heartfelt, emotional, and inspiring Michelle. You can do this. We can do this.
First of all. Let me tell you how VERY sorry I am to hear that you are suffering. It sucks ASS. It’s draining and disheartening and makes it feel impossible to stay on track.
With that being said..we need to be healthy. Regardless of the outcome of both of our difficult situations, we need to be healthy.
We can do this.
I’ve started making my changes and I will continue to build on them.
Let’s just see how much better we are in six months. When Summer rolls around..we should be stronger, but mentally and physically!
Hi just realized I never changed my blog URL in the form here to the new one the last few times I’ve posted. Oops!
Thank you. It does suck. Actually, suck doesn’t begin to cover it. But things ARE going to get better somehow. I’d like to be back where I was mentally a year ago, and be 30 pounds lighter by summer.
It’s been awhile since I posted, but I want you to know I’ve been going on the journey with you. Maybe not the whole time but I’m here now working hard and seeing the results I want.
Here’s some good news since I last posted to perhaps cheer your starting steps once more. At my heaviest my wonderful Justin of 10 years (I’m only 24) proposed! We had both prior to the engagement made the commitment to start being healthy and staying that way. That was in September, I’m with you fuck New Years resolution, I started mine in the fall.
Now it’s January and I’m so proud to say I’ve lost 33lbs! I’ve thought of you the whole way knowing you were part of my support team though we’ve never met. My wedding is in 2013 and that is when I hope to have reached my target weight going from 255 to 140 a total of 155lbs. I’m proud of myself, so proud. And I want you to be proud of yourself once more. It’s hard, so fucking hard sometimes I just want to eat a tub of Ice cream, but I don’t. So how about I start back at the beginning with you? I’ll be your support this time, even though we’ve never met. We can do this and continue doing it.
Congrats on getting engaged. There has never been a time in my life where i have needed good news more than I do now! I fucking LOVE good news!
And congrats on the weight loss! you GOT this. You can do it.
And you’re right..I can too.
You’re the same age as my son.
Oh girl, I feel for you. I know what you mean though about living your own personal hell. That’s how my life has been lately. Even though we live across the country from each other, I’m here for you.
Thank you SO much! And I am truly sorry you’re having a bad time. I hope things look up for you, soon.
It’s up and down here.
Michelle, you’ve been through hell and back with both your son’s addiction and your own. Yes, our comfort food is an addiciton. If anybody can grab their boot straps and scream “it’s fucking on!” it’s you.
And you know you have readers here that can relate, on some level, to what you’re saying. If nothing else, we can emphasize and be here to help you when standing isn’t the easiest thing in the world.
Yeah..standing has been difficult. And sleeping and working and breathing.
I’m having good days now. And my son is attending his first NA meeting tonight. That makes me so happy that I cried. It gives me hope. Even though, I really don’t like hope..it can be way too cruel.
I know exactly what you mean and the only advice I can give you is to enjoy the “now”. Whether or not it will last for days, weeks, months, or years you just don’t know. So focus on now, deal with tomorrow when it gets here.
I have learned that lesson hard. I truly enjoy and appreciate the good days.