RAGE YOUR WAY THIN
Yeah. Rage your way thin.
This hasn’t been my blog for a long time now. I got lost.
I’m not saying that all the words written weren’t written by me. They were..other than that ONE post hubs wrote for me. But that was a long time ago and doesn’t count.
I haven’t been raging my way anywhere.
What I’ve done, is gain back all but 10 pounds. I feel like shit. I look HORRIBLE.
I’ve spent so much time in a figurative fetal position, only uncurling to eat whatever I could get my greasy little fingers on.
If you’ve read past posts, you know that I’m dealing with an addict. As far as I know, he’s a month clean now. I’ve learned that I actually agree with a Republican in one regard..Ronald Reagan’s slogan, ‘Trust but verify’ has become a way of life for me.
I realized something this morning. Something HUGE.
I expect my son to STOP using a highly addictive substance. His brain will fight this with every breath he takes and it’s likely, from what I understand, that he will crave this drug for years. Perhaps the rest of his life.
I want him to stop.
I have to change WHO I AM to have any chance of helping him. I have to stop enabling. I have to adopt a new way of life, because the reality is, junkies die. They die every single day. If my child takes a road to an early death, it cannot be because I am helping him there. I don’t think I could survive that.
So…what this means is, no more enabling behavior. Hard, fast rules with severe consequences. These consequences could be my child having no where to sleep at night, or sleeping in a homeless shelter or maybe even a jail. But for all that is good..please not in the ground.
His brain will fight this and he is going to hell and back. I’ve watched him withdraw. I understand how horrible this is.
What’s that got to do with me? With my weight gain? Well, like I said…I’ve dealt with this by comforting myself. I ate what I wanted. I watched TV. I read books. I cried for hours. I took the comforting route, even though it was making me feel horrible while I watched my newly shrunken self swell back up again. Why? Well..I guess because falling back in to old habits was comforting.
My realization this morning? I expect my CHILD to defeat a craving that nags at him 24 hours a day. Something that he wants so badly that he was willing to sacrifice the trust of his entire family.
But I continue to let myself go?
I already KNOW I can lose weight..and I’m pretty sure what I suffered wasn’t fit lick withdrawal’s boots.
I want my son to get healthy and live a productive life. But when I think about exercising again, giving up food that I know is not healthy and is making my ass grow, it’s just too fucking HARD for me to contemplate.
I think you see where I’m going here.
THIS is not a resolution. Fuck resolution’s in the face. This is so much more.
This is me, promising myself and my husband and my children and my grandchildren that I will be healthy for as long as I can.
It ends and starts now. That it’s the first of the year is meaningless to me. It could be Cinco De Mayo or Arbor day or November 13. I don’t give a FUCK about the date. All I know is this, I have to change who I am. I have to have the strength to help my son. I have to have strength regardless of the outcome.
I know you understand me. Maybe not all of you..but a LOT of you. You got dumped..you lost someone you loved..you hate your job..your husband is a dick. You have some pretty fucking compelling reasons to hide and comfort yourself. Fuck, who wouldn’t? That shit is hard.
I am in no way claiming that my pain is more valid. I’m not saying that people haven’t suffered so much more. I am saying, however, that I have been living in my own personal hell.
That’s not a reason to stop.
We are cutting this shit out now. And I’m not asking that you come with…I am just taking you with me.
I can do this. We can. It’s time to let go. It’s time to move on. There isn’t any emotional pain worth losing yourself to. You’re still here. I’m still here. We deserve to live this life feeling GOOD.
I hope that you and I have peace in 2012.
I hope that everyone you love are healthy and happy and productive. And I hope if they aren’t, that you have the strength to live your life anyway. You deserve all that is good. So do I.