Advice From Your Aunt Michelle – The List

I have collected my share of weight loss knowledge over the past year+ and I would like to take this time to share it with you.

I’m not saying you should FOLLOW. Holy fuck..I have NO idea what I’m talking about. But still..it’s yours if you want it.

1. As SOON as you shrink out of a size, pack those mother fuckers up and ship them to Goodwill. Or a yard sale, or fucking throw them away. You do NOT want something you can grow back into. Trust me. This works. I am currently squeezing my big bad self into my smaller clothes. I have NOTHING to move up to. So, it’s either lose the weight I’ve gained back, or risk putting out someone’s eye when the fucking button on my pants gives way.

2. If you are at a birthday party and you refuse the cake with EVERY intention of eating a piece when no one is looking, then I say this: make SURE the icing isn’t a real bold color. Because that shit sticks to your teeth more than you know. And you KNOW you’ll be shoveling that piece of cake in really fast and not worrying about your teeth. Then a few minutes later you’ll smile at a relative and before you know it, they are all whispering behind your back that you MUST be a crack whore because your teeth are obviously rotting out. No one wants to be the crack whore at little Suzie’s birthday party.

3. If you find yourself down to your last few bucks and you are seriously contemplating fifty cent wing night at your local bar over a box of tampons that you desperately need? Then you have a problem, my friend. Come over to my house. I always keep an extra box handy and it’s the multi-pack (regular, super and ‘suck the moisture from Lake Erie’ size, so I got you covered. Pick up a wet nap while you’re at it. You dribbled a little sauce.

4. Those 100 calorie packs? If you eat ALL of them at once, you could have had a fucking milkshake. If you’re gonna cheat (and you know you will) please make it worth while. Don’t eat 1000 calories worth of cardboard.

5. In all seriousness, if you need to lose weight, it ain’t gonna happen overnight. You’re gonna be a LOT happier if you just go ahead and love yourself NOW. That is all.

6. You can buy all the books you want. You can follow any diet you want. It comes down to a few very simple things. Eat healthy. Exercise. If you MUST pay someone for that advice, send me an email and I’ll give you an address where you can send the check.

7. Beating yourself up (at least mentally) burns very few calories. Wishing to be smaller burns about the same amount of calories as watching Snooki. (And if you DO watch that show, for all that is holy, fucking STOP). Stop beating yourself up. Start moving your ass. Fifteen minutes. Seriously, just FIFTEEN minutes a day. Start there. Girly girl…I am TALKING TO YOU.

And me.

8. If you restrict your self in ridiculous ways, you are gonna fall on your ass. If it IS your goal to fail miserably, then by ALL MEANS, set unrealistic goals. If you really want to make a difference that you can see, then take it day by day. Do your best every day. When you have a bad day, or week, or LIFE…put it behind you. All that matters is right fucking now.

This shit is NOT for pussies. It’s not easy.

But it IS doable.

Now go get advice from people who actually know what they are talking about.