Yeah, so this is a cliche, but it just fucking fits.
Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one.
For all you people out there who don’t need to lose weight or have already lost your weight, I have some good advice for you. We all know you MEAN well, but still, there are some things that just should NOT be said to those of us who are still working on our weight loss.
1. Are you on a particular diet? Oh..you are on THAT diet. Let me give you a fucking litany of reasons you shouldn’t be on that diet. Listen, I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you actually base your opinions on fact and research and not because your cousin’s next door neighbor heard of somebody who’s heart exploded because he cut out carbs. Hubs lost over 100 pounds in a year by cutting carbs.You can give me a list a mile fucking long of why he shouldn’t have followed a low carb diet and you will never convince me that he’s LESS healthy now.
Appropriate response: “Shut up and have some fucking bacon”.
2. Hey there, skinny. The only time this is appropriate is if the person is actually skinny. I lost enough weight that it’s noticeable. I’m proud of my weight loss and I have tried VERY hard to be gracious when I receive a compliment. However, I am NOT skinny. I am still heavy enough that my yearly gyno appointment resulted in a slight lecture from my doctor. (And SHE could stand to lose a few pounds herself). It’s condescending and really, kinda insulting. By all means, be encouraging, offer some kind words…even if the person deflects, I’m reasonably sure they’ll appreciate it. Just be honest.
Appropriate response: “Skinny? You think I’m skinny? I can eat a whole bag of peanut butter cookies and still have room for your soul”.
3. Your clothes are getting a little tight. Have you put some weight back on? You know what? If this is the case,WE ALREADY FUCKING KNOW WE PUT WEIGHT BACK ON. Seriously. There is no need to point this out. None. Trust me, we feel bad if it happens. You pointing that shit out is NOT helping in any way.
Appropriate response: “Shut the fuck up”.
4. It’s just ONE donut. C’mon, you can have one. What the fuck, people? And they aren’t as bad as the assholes who taunt you with their delicious forbidden pastries. It’s not cute. Why do you have to be such DICKS? This isn’t easy. Cheating happens. Just let us decide when and where. We don’t need you to be the devil on our shoulder. What we need is your support.
Appropriate response: “Eat it yourself, mother fucker. Choke on it”. Or is that too harsh?
5. Hey! Are you EATING that? Aren’t you on a diet? This is the opposite of number 4. First of all, did you GO to the food police academy? Do you appreciate and learn from other people commenting on habits you might have? We don’t need your permission to eat.
Appropriate response: “Ohhh…if THIS upsets you, I probably shouldn’t tell you about the unprotected sex I’ve been having with you mom. And your brother”.
This theme reminds me of a joke:
A little boy was sitting on a park bench, shoveling down candy bar after candy bar. An old man watched for a few minutes and then says “Son, if you keep eating like that, you’re going to have bad skin, you’re gonna get fat and your health will go to shit”. The little boy says “Oh yeah? Well, my grandfather lived to be 106 years old”. The old man says, “Did he do that by eating six candy bars in a row”? The little boy says “No, he did it by minding his own fucking business”.
How about you guys? Ever hear something that MAY have been meant well, but ended up making you feel worse? What did you do? Suck it up? Or did you have your own appropriate response?