Ten Commandments According To Me

by Michelle on September 4, 2011

I just took the most GORGEOUS nap. My PMDD is raging, I’m cold and crabby and the siren call of my comfy bed was too great to ignore.

Sunday afternoon naps rock like frozen crazy.

I woke up feeling rather omnipotent and decided that it was time for me to issue my own ten commandments.

And here we go:                      

Thou shalt wear clothes that fit. We are not talking too small or those that accentuate the muffin top, however, wearing clothes that are baggy is not fooling anyone and they just make you look bigger.

II  Thou shalt try new food once a month. Either try something you used to hate or try something you’ve avoided it because it had a stupid name. Like chard. (Which is actually not horrible). If you hate yogurt, just let it go because that shit is ALWAYS going to be nasty. No offense to you people who actually like the taste of satan’s butt paste.

III  Thou shalt spruce thyself up every day. Don’t look like Hagatha every day. You are better than that. Put on a little makeup. Paint your nails. You are worth FIVE fucking minutes to put in just a little effort to look nice. This will make you feel better about yourself. I promise. REALLY! Just fucking listen to me. Hey, if I can actually issue COMMANDMENTS, isn’t that enough for you to trust me? Hmmmm?

IV  Thou shalt Pamper thyself every week or so. Go get a facial or a pedicure or something. If you’re like me and you’ve recently run into some ‘financial difficulty’ (that’s code for being broke-ass) then buy a clay mask or something of the sort at the drugstore and create your own spa day. If you are suffering from ‘extreme financial difficulty’ (which is code for what my entire broke-ass Summer has been like) then look up some home recipes for your own fucking facial. Go ahead, mix up some vinegar and mayo and slap it on. If Thou art a male, ummm..perhaps thou should consult another blog. I’m not sure what your species does to pamper thyselves.  Oh. And don’t really put mayo and vinegar on your face, I made that part up.

Thou shalt move thy ass.

VI  Thou shalt honor thyself and stop lying to thyself. Thyself deserves better than that. You KNOW what I mean. You have to stop saying: “just as soon as I get through the weekend, I’ll do better”.  Or “It’s just waaay too stressful to worry about my diet”. You’re being a fuckstick. If you are STRESSED, it’s more important than EVER to eat healthy. Of course you’re gonna fuck off from time to time. But don’t lie to yourself and say you’re gonna get started, because if you are saying this week after week and NOT making any changes, then you’re lying to yourself. Cut it out.

VII  Thou shalt lift thy head EVERY FUCKING DAY and face the day and every person you meet with confidence. Thou art a bad ass motherfucker. And don’t you forget that shit.

VIII  Thou shalt look for inspiration. Talk to people. Trust me, all those people who are in awesome physical shape are probably nicer than you think and would LOVE to give you advice. And if they sneer at your for not looking as good? Well then..get into shape and then kick their ass later. You cannot lose with this. You want a place to start? Look at the right side of my blog. You’ll find all kinds of inspiration in those blogs. They have it ALL. Diet advice, recipes, bad ass motivation and work outs that will make your ass sing.


IX 
Thou shalt break a bad habit every 30 days. Start small if you need to. Perhaps you could stop picking your teeth with your toenail clippings. Or DON’T eat that entire bag of Oreos. In a year, you will be down TWELVE bad habits. TWELVE. If you don’t have 12 bad habits to break, well then…HA HA HA HA HAAAA!! Stop being a liar. You KNOW you have at LEAST twelve to break.

Thou shalt ignore the ignorants. You know who they are. The ones who talk about how people just ‘let themselves go’ when they have never struggled with weight. Ignore the fuck puddles who treat people who have weight issues with contempt. The ignorants have no interest in addressing their ignorance. They are not worth your time. And really? Do you WANT to let someone like that bring you down?

Bonus  Commandment:  Thou shalt forgive thyself. Thou shalt let yesterday go. Thou shalt cease beating thyself up over past transgressions. Yesterday is gone. There is no changing history. Thou shalt look forward from this moment on.

Okay..there you have it.

Ten commandments and a bonus.

Do you have any to add?

 

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Erin Scott September 4, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I love your realness. I think my fave is ignore the ignorant. I have spent too much of my life worrying about what some people thought of me, just to realize that they have no room to judge. So why should I care? Thank you!! :)

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Michelle September 4, 2011 at 5:56 pm

It’s hard to NOT be hurt by that. It’s taken me YEARS to not give a fuck. And even now, I still kind of give a fuck. But I TRY to let that shit go. I’m glad you liked it and I SOOO appreciate the comments. :)

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Melissa (@MelGetsFit) September 4, 2011 at 6:06 pm

*LOVE* these commandments so much! That’s some religion even I could actually get behind. ;)

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Michelle September 4, 2011 at 6:10 pm

HAH!!! Come follow me…we’ll explore the sub-basement of hell together. Ohhh..we could redecorate. because you KNOW satan has shit taste..

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Lisa McLaurin September 4, 2011 at 10:10 pm

YOU RULE, so commandments are fitting. ;-)
It’s all so Unbelievably TRUE, and I looooooove naps. Naps win over reality every time.
I KNOW you’re right about clothes that fit and I have a wonderful bestest friend in another state who hates my dresses that resemble moo-moo pajamas but I’m really secretly happy she’s there because I wear them anyway. Comfy, fat and denial go well together in my head.

I’m going to print these out and (blackout the bad words before I) post it on my bathroom mirror which I will vow to look in at least twice before I leave the house in the morning. The first time is only to scrub last night’s mascara out of my under-eye luggage so a second look is breaking one of my way-more-than-12 bad habits.

(BTW, Satan’s butt paste is actually TOFU and VII is my very favorite!)

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ragemichelle September 5, 2011 at 8:19 am

I think VII is my favorite as well. It often gets me through when I’d like nothing more than to hide away.

And tofu isn’t GOOD or anything, but I can eat it. Prepared right, it’s not horrible. Yogurt? I can’t even stand the smell..BLECH

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Girlwithnoname (Jackie) September 5, 2011 at 3:53 am

nothing to add. something to amend.

II. Thou shalt try new food EVERY time thou steps into the produce section. EVERY … SINGLE … TIME…

nothing new in the produce section?

II. Thou shalt find a produce STORE and find something new EVERY time thou steps into the produce store. EVERY … SINGLE … TIME…

when I started, that was part of the adventure. Find something you’ve never tried before. Don’t know if you’ll like it? Buy it anyway and FIND OUT.

Try it.

Like it or hate it, I’m still not eating McDonalds AND I’m excited for the moment I get to try it.

Hate it? Don’t buy it again.

Love it? or Like it? when comsumed, it goes on the grocery list.

eventually the list is so jammed with stuff you like, there’s no room to eat crap if you buy everything on the list AND eat that stuff before it goes bad.

one hell of a strategy. and it keeps you excited and motivated… and full… with stuff you like…!!!!!!!!

so, small revision but important one.

thou shalt always keep an eye on the horizon…

xo
J

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ragemichelle September 5, 2011 at 8:22 am

Well, that is a valid amendment. I suppose trying every flavor of Ben and Jerry’s might be counterproductive. :)

We have a grocery store in town with an INCREDIBLE produce department. http://www.junglejims.com/ We shop there every Sunday and it IS a highlight each week. I am going to take your advice and work my way through the entire produce section. Even the international part.

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Girlwithnoname (Jackie) September 5, 2011 at 12:44 pm

haha!! awesome!!

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Joanna September 5, 2011 at 10:59 am

These are f’in AWESOME!!! I’m totally linking up to these in my blog post today. Oh, and I’m also going to do my best to follow them. ;)

AMAZING!!

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Michelle September 5, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Very nice!!! Looking forward to reading your post!

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Anne-Mhairi Simpson September 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Love the commandments! VII is also my favourite :D

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Michelle September 5, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Yeah..it helps to think that to yourself..especially if you find yourself slipping into ‘timid’ mode. :)

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Cheryl September 5, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Thou shalt not wear satiny spandex . . . EVER.

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Michelle September 5, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Oh HELL yes..errr..no? I agree. And it matters not a bit how skinny you are ..shiny spandex is a crime against nature and all that is holy.

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Sarah September 5, 2011 at 7:46 pm

These are brilliant! I love them!

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Michelle September 5, 2011 at 8:33 pm

thank you, Sarah!!

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Yum Yucky September 5, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Lovely! now may I just want expand on Commandment V: “thou shalt keep weekend couch-azzing to a minimum.” Emm, I preaching to myself of course.

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ragemichelle September 5, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Preach it, baby..I need that as well..I am horrible on weekends..

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Suzanne @WorkoutNirvana September 7, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Ah, love your commandments dear. Agreed with every single one and not sure you missed anything. My favorite (you will not be surprised: ignore the ignorants… Though they are fun to laugh at ;D).

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Michelle September 7, 2011 at 10:40 pm

ahh..yes..they ARE fun to laugh at..although mostly, they just bug the shit out of me..

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Colleen September 7, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Did we say thou shall never wear pajama jeans?
;) sorry those things annoy me

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Michelle September 7, 2011 at 10:39 pm

What the fuck are pajama jeans? I must google this..

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Melissa @ Live, Love, & Run September 8, 2011 at 9:38 am

Okay, first time commenting (& reading), and you make me want to scream out “fuck yeah!” Haha. This was great for so many reasons. I love the commandments and might just have to print these out. ;) Second, I can either hate or love the word “fuck”. I hate it when it’s overused and trashy. I love it when it’s used to express extreme excitement or anger. You nailed it. :) I’ll definitely keep reading. :D

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ragemichelle September 8, 2011 at 9:55 am

I LOOOOOVE new readers!!! And hubs very kindly made TWO versions of my ten commandments (one with no bad words). I just have to figure out how to get them on my blog so people can download them.

:)

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Sasha September 9, 2011 at 11:48 pm

What a fantastic post! Damn this should be written on poster’s, on T-shirts, on bumper stickers, on mugs, on calendars! I think you should rewrite the bible according to you, it would be a fantastic, inspiring, honest and an hilarious read! Great stuff! :)

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Michelle September 10, 2011 at 8:10 am

Thank You!! Ohh..rewriting the bible. Pretty sure I’d have people with torches and pitchforks headed my way. My mother would be leading the group. She doesn’t read my blog which is a source of comfort.

I did put two versions you can download!

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