I just took the most GORGEOUS nap. My PMDD is raging, I’m cold and crabby and the siren call of my comfy bed was too great to ignore.
Sunday afternoon naps rock like frozen crazy.
I woke up feeling rather omnipotent and decided that it was time for me to issue my own ten commandments.
I Thou shalt wear clothes that fit. We are not talking too small or those that accentuate the muffin top, however, wearing clothes that are baggy is not fooling anyone and they just make you look bigger.
II Thou shalt try new food once a month. Either try something you used to hate or try something you’ve avoided it because it had a stupid name. Like chard. (Which is actually not horrible). If you hate yogurt, just let it go because that shit is ALWAYS going to be nasty. No offense to you people who actually like the taste of satan’s butt paste.
III Thou shalt spruce thyself up every day. Don’t look like Hagatha every day. You are better than that. Put on a little makeup. Paint your nails. You are worth FIVE fucking minutes to put in just a little effort to look nice. This will make you feel better about yourself. I promise. REALLY! Just fucking listen to me. Hey, if I can actually issue COMMANDMENTS, isn’t that enough for you to trust me? Hmmmm?
IV Thou shalt Pamper thyself every week or so. Go get a facial or a pedicure or something. If you’re like me and you’ve recently run into some ‘financial difficulty’ (that’s code for being broke-ass) then buy a clay mask or something of the sort at the drugstore and create your own spa day. If you are suffering from ‘extreme financial difficulty’ (which is code for what my entire broke-ass Summer has been like) then look up some home recipes for your own fucking facial. Go ahead, mix up some vinegar and mayo and slap it on. If Thou art a male, ummm..perhaps thou should consult another blog. I’m not sure what your species does to pamper thyselves. Oh. And don’t really put mayo and vinegar on your face, I made that part up.
V Thou shalt move thy ass.
VI Thou shalt honor thyself and stop lying to thyself. Thyself deserves better than that. You KNOW what I mean. You have to stop saying: “just as soon as I get through the weekend, I’ll do better”. Or “It’s just waaay too stressful to worry about my diet”. You’re being a fuckstick. If you are STRESSED, it’s more important than EVER to eat healthy. Of course you’re gonna fuck off from time to time. But don’t lie to yourself and say you’re gonna get started, because if you are saying this week after week and NOT making any changes, then you’re lying to yourself. Cut it out.
VII Thou shalt lift thy head EVERY FUCKING DAY and face the day and every person you meet with confidence. Thou art a bad ass motherfucker. And don’t you forget that shit.
VIII Thou shalt look for inspiration. Talk to people. Trust me, all those people who are in awesome physical shape are probably nicer than you think and would LOVE to give you advice. And if they sneer at your for not looking as good? Well then..get into shape and then kick their ass later. You cannot lose with this. You want a place to start? Look at the right side of my blog. You’ll find all kinds of inspiration in those blogs. They have it ALL. Diet advice, recipes, bad ass motivation and work outs that will make your ass sing.
IX Thou shalt break a bad habit every 30 days. Start small if you need to. Perhaps you could stop picking your teeth with your toenail clippings. Or DON’T eat that entire bag of Oreos. In a year, you will be down TWELVE bad habits. TWELVE. If you don’t have 12 bad habits to break, well then…HA HA HA HA HAAAA!! Stop being a liar. You KNOW you have at LEAST twelve to break.
X Thou shalt ignore the ignorants. You know who they are. The ones who talk about how people just ‘let themselves go’ when they have never struggled with weight. Ignore the fuck puddles who treat people who have weight issues with contempt. The ignorants have no interest in addressing their ignorance. They are not worth your time. And really? Do you WANT to let someone like that bring you down?
Bonus Commandment: Thou shalt forgive thyself. Thou shalt let yesterday go. Thou shalt cease beating thyself up over past transgressions. Yesterday is gone. There is no changing history. Thou shalt look forward from this moment on.
Okay..there you have it.
Ten commandments and a bonus.
Do you have any to add?