Why I Shouldn’t Eat Cake

by Michelle on August 10, 2011

I’ve mentioned that I like cake, right?

The draw of morning donuts and the siren song of the snack machine have been easier and easier to resist. I’ve been very proud of myself.

Until today.

We celebrate birthdays in my department at work. We had a birthday today. A girl I work with brought in cake for the boss. This cake was layers of whipped cream and chocolate pudding. I am powerless in the face of chocolate pudding and whipped cream.

No way I wasn’t eating a piece of that cake.

I can replay the following events with crystal clarity in my mind. HD even.

The bottom layer of this cake was a hard, crunchy cookie type thing with walnuts or pecans or something.  I took my piece, on a styrofoam plate and ATTEMPTED to push my fork through the hard, crunchy cookie part.

The fork went THROUGH the plate, which caused a catapult effect and the cake flew, whipped cream side down, right down the front of my kinda low cut shirt. It came to rest right between my boobs.

This happened in front of my entire department.

I had a moment of denial. I would just pretend it didn’t happen. Or that I MEANT to do that. ALL the cool kids wear pudding cake on their tits, right?

Instead, I reached down my top and pulled the cake out.

This did not help. The result was having whipped cream smeared all over my chest. Trust me when I tell you, I have a waking understanding of that dream where you accidentally go outside without your clothes on. Standing in front of a bunch of men with whipped cream smeared all over my chest cast that nightmarish feeling all through me.

I mustered all the dignity I could and walked the long walk from the IT department to the ladies room. I honestly don’t remember if I passed anyone in the hall way. If I did..they probably only noticed my regal walk and my stoicism..I’m sure they didn’t notice the glob of whipped cream that had made it into my fucking HAIR.

I cleaned up as best I could and took my big bad sticky self back to the crowd and took my lumps. Pretty sure this one is gonna get mentioned another time or two. I might need a few weeks, or perhaps forever, to live this one down.

Being the grown up that I am, I flipped the cake off with both hands and got a new piece. No way I was eating it in front of everyone, because obviously, that doesn’t work out well for me.  I took it back to my desk and ate it by my lonesome.

It wasn’t even that good.

This would have NEVER happened with broccoli.

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

JessRoten August 10, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Yesterday I had A slice of pizza, first slice in… Months. The cheese was so hot, it slid off the pizza and onto me, in front of all the other tiny little teachers.
I got another slice. It tasted like shit. Or maybe that was humility.
I wish it had whipped cream though. At least then I could have imagined something fun and dirty with it.
You got the nuts and cream! I got the grease and cheese.

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Michelle August 10, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Ha! That’s awesome. Pizza sounds good.

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Suzanne @WorkoutNirvana August 10, 2011 at 10:35 pm

I’m sorry, this story is really fucking funny. I tried to feel sorry for you… and I did a little because you were a little sulky at the end. But I’m sure it was really, really funny when it happened. My question is… was it kind of cool having all that food down your shirt?

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ragemichelle August 11, 2011 at 7:09 am

Suzanne..HA HA HA!

And no, there wasn’t anything fun about it. Although, one of my friends ALMOST took a picture. I told him I wished he would have, because I definitely would have posted it.

Okay..it’s a little funny now.

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Girlwithnoname (Jackie) August 10, 2011 at 11:25 pm

please Michelle… PLEASE write a book!!!

you are hilarious… and I know you’d sell at least one (to me).

:-)

luv ya
J

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ragemichelle August 11, 2011 at 7:09 am

I should, you know..all I have to do is take notes. It’d be easy. :)

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ndem August 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Its a sign you didn’t need it.that junk don’t help.sorry you had to gi through that but its a learning experience.you live it learned from it now you move on.

On a side note have the cake incident at home with just you and your hubby bet he’d enjoy it lol just saying

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Lisa August 11, 2011 at 2:15 pm

OMG, you are hilarious! I could SO see that happening to me, except the cake would slide past my tiny chest to my fat stomach to sit. I would still eat it. Chocolate pudding reigns.
I wish you WOULD write a book, It would be my favorite book ever. ;-)

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ragemichelle August 11, 2011 at 2:33 pm

this WAS one of my more spectacular food fails.

You know, I’ve thought about writing a book. I waffle between it being a fruitless endeavor, being overwhelmed by the amount of work, and berating myself for being self indulgent.

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Suzanne @WorkoutNirvana August 11, 2011 at 6:32 pm

You’re a writer, so write a book :)

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The baby sister August 13, 2011 at 12:20 am

Shelley…Shelley…Shelley…what can i possible say??Between us sisters (you know the ones i am referring too) I am THE PRUDE in the family…period…The ‘Bell’ I know should have totally just been like yeah I got whip cream all over my boobies(yes I said ‘boobies’ *gasp*) and look down..take your pretty lil finger and rubbed across your chest and stuck your tongue out and licked it!!!!MOST outspoken person I know …come on come on!!…

Only if you could drink at work??haha kiddin ;)

I love reading your blogs…I agree with the others..you really should write a book…

You are very smart,funny,witty and talented woman..and I am very proud of you my beautiful sister!!!!

Now that being said…get on it lady!!LOvE yA!!

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Michelle August 13, 2011 at 11:05 am

This is not the crowd I would have done that in front of. No way! And thank you baby sister. :)

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