A while back I wrote a post about diet books that I wish someone would write. I’m ready to revisit that subject again. Really. These are some good ideas. Now we just need somebody who is all sciencey to make them real.
1. The Sisters Diet. This diet would benefit the sisters. Not your siblings and not nuns. Your sisters. You know, the girls. My girls are holding up pretty fucking good, however, gravity…it do take its toll. The sisters diet will redistribute fat from your ass to your boobs. Not too much, we don’t need basketballs. Just enough to fill out those t-shirts nicely. Oh..and the fat will be FIRM fat, it will turn from jiggly ass fat into firm booby fat. It would also be nice if meal plan included chocolate with every meal and gummi bears as snacks.
I won’t forget about you men. The Sisters Diet would do you no good at all. What you need is the NMMB Diet. No more man boobs diet. Instead of shifting weight TOO your boobs, your diet will take the fat AWAY from your boobs, magically transform the fat into muscle on it’s short trip to your biceps where it will distribute itself in a most flattering manner. Alas, you do NOT get to eat chocolate and gummi bears. You have to eat lima beans and liver. Ha ha.
2. The Four Minute Diet. The four hour diet? Who has four fucking hours? I don’t have four fucking hours. I bet YOU don’t have four fucking hours. I want my diet done and over with in 4 minutes. I want someone to write a book about what food I should eat over a four minute period every day that will shrink my hips and get rid of my squishy upper arms. And before you think I’m all unreasonable about this, I think you should have to stick to this diet 7 days a week. No weekends off. Here is my suggestion to whoever wants to tackle writing this book, make the food something REALLY chewy so you will burn calories with furious chewing over the 4 minute period.
3. Diet For A Hot Wardrobe. What’s this bullshit about Diet For A Hot Planet? What do I care about the hot planet? I can’t do shit about the climate change and I don’t see the point in eating around that. These are the rules: Chili is a Winter food and Spinach salad is a Summer food, everything else is fair game regardless of season. What I want is a diet for a hot WARDROBE. I want jeans hanging low on my hips and a nice snug tank top that will show off my bony collar bone and slightly muscular arms. I want to wear a slinky little halter dress with strappy black sandals and it’s almost time for that wardrobe. One of you better get your ass in gear and get this one written. I have weddings to attend this Summer, people. There is NO time for slacking, so chop chop.
4. The Mommy Needs A Drink Diet.The Mommy diet? What the fuck ever. Mommies don’t need a diet. Mommies need a cocktail. Mommy had a long, hard frustrating day at the office and she would like to unwind for FIVE FREAKING minutes before she has to listen to her little snowflakes fight over whether they are going to watch Spongebob or Rugrats. Perhaps just ONE bloody mary before listening to the solo you will be playing on your flute, or clarinet or whatever instrument it is you play. You know, that really expensive one? The one that got pancake syrup in it and now some the keys stick? Yes, THAT instrument.
You know, forget the bloody mary, that will take too long. Just a double shot of tequila. Diet tequila. Is that too much to ask?
5. Naturally Crabby, How to unleash your outer fatgirl onto an unsuspecting public. Naturally thin? Really? How about, I had a really shitty day, so NATURALLY, I want a cupcake. Unleash your inner skinny girl? Skinny girls don’t get unleashed. Forces to be reckoned with are unleashed. I say we big girls unleash our big bad selves on the public at large. We are BOUND to burn an impressive number of calories. Bonus: All the scared looks on the skinny people’s faces when we come thundering down. HA HA HA!! I am burning calories like a mad woman. Now, run for your lives before I squish you.
Okay, I came up with the ideas, now someone write these books. I can’t do all the work you know.