If I Had A Million Dollars

by Michelle on March 20, 2011

I’d be turning in my resignation.

We have a large group of people at work who pitch in and play the lottery together. I KNOW that the lottery is a voluntary tax on stupid people. I KNOW that it makes just as much sense to set my money on fire.

Someone is gonna win, right?

What if it happened? What if I won some obscene amount of money? Would it be easier to get into shape?

Fuck YES it would. I could hire a personal trainer. I could hire someone to prepare all my meals for me. And quite frankly, if I won tens of millions of dollars, then those would be first on my list.

I don’t require much. I don’t care about showy furniture. I don’t care about designer clothes. Well, except for shoes. Although, even if I won millions of dollars I wouldn’t spend hundreds of dollars on a pair of shoes. That’s just fucking stupid. Here’s some advice from your Aunt Michelle: If you MUST have the designer shoes, then eBay is your friend.

Anyway, I would build a new house. Not a huge one. We don’t require a lot of space, but I need two very specific bathrooms. One bathroom would be the size of my current living room. There would be lots of marble with a vichy shower and a tub the size of a small lap pool. The other bathroom would be all pink and black with a huge, round black tub up on a pedestal. This the the more important of the two bathrooms. I’ve had recurring dreams about the pink and black bathroom for years. I have NEVER been able to take a bath in that bathtub. I always forget about it until after I’ve showered in a different room, so it sits there unused. In my dreams, the bathtub is always dust filled. I want to take fucking bath in that fucking black bathtub.

I would spend a LOT of money on travel. I don’t need 20K a night hotel rooms or anything, but I would travel in style.  I would see it all.

But I digress. Aside from hiring a personal trainer, a chef,  accommodating my bathroom fetish, and attending the Cannes Film Festival,  I would have a shit TON of fun giving my money away.

Randy and I have had actual arguments over this. He is of the opinion that it’s our money and fuck everyone else. Selfish bastard. Not me, I would LOVE to give away money. The kind of money that changes lives.

There are four categories:

  • Immediate family. There is no set amount for immediate family. I have family members that handing them a million dollars would be akin to handing them a loaded gun and pointing it at their head for them. So, no set amount. Bills would be paid, houses would be bought, and trust funds would be established. They would never have to work again. Except for my kids. I don’t want them to be slugs. They would have to do SOMETHING for their money.
  • Favored friends. This is a set amount. I have a list of around 15 – 20 people that get an automatic 250K. With the understanding they can never ask for more, cause fuck em.
  • The third category is a small one and VERY specific. These are the people that (if I give them buckets of money), it will totally fuck over someone I DON’T like. I LOVE this category. Right now, there is only one person in it. She would receive 500K; enough for her to quit her job. THEN..the bosses would have to acknowledge how much they counted on her. If she was gone? They’d be fucked. Serves them right. I would LOVE for this to happen.
  • People who I like, but can do with or without. These are people of who I am fond. However, if I never saw them again, I wouldn’t really miss them, either. They get somewhere between 10K and 50K, depending on how much I like them.

Then there is THIS list. The list of people who would get NOTHING. Plus, I would mock them. It’s not a long list, but it would be wildly satisfying.

Anyway, it’s nice to dream, right? I’m sure Billy Blanks or Jillian Michaels could be had for the right price. I bet they could whip my ass into shape in no time. Or really, I bet I know people online who would LOVE to be wildly overpaid to kick my ass. And a cook? One couldn’t be that hard to find, right?

So how about you? What would you do with a spare 200 million?

Oh..and this post was inspired by my friend, the skanky whore.


{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

SOB March 20, 2011 at 8:32 pm

I’ve decided, if we jit the lotto for millions of dollars all of it would go to my wife but for a million with the caveat that she couldn’t question how I spent my million.

The first thing we’d do would be to book a cruise and call people from the ship and tell them we won. That way the leeches may get tired of waiting around. We may stay in a hotel for a month or so too. Several hotels.

Then, with my million I would build the largest log home in Lenawee county, sitting high and dry on at least 30 acres. Room for all.

After that? Maybe a Boss Hoss motorcycle just so when people ask me if I own a Harley, because of how I dress, I could say that I’ve got a 350. When they finish laughing, or whatever, I’d tell them thaat I meant 350 horsepower, not a dinky little Harley. Then I’d sell it after I did that. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Next? Everybody gets to the dentist to get their teeth fixed. and whitened.

The doctor? Nuh uh. For my immediate family sure but I don’t want to know if I’ve got some creepy mungy funge. I would get some good, scratch that, GREAT life insurance for everyone.

Then I’d buy a cheap raft and go fishing.


Michelle March 20, 2011 at 8:34 pm

All good plans!!!

I would also get just a little cosmetic work done. Just a little…


Suzanne @WorkoutNirvana March 20, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Hmm, ok, am I in any of your MONEY lists? Yes, I’ll kick your ass right into shape and make you cry for your mama. You’ll wish you’d never won the lottery until you start seeing that hidden Michelle, the one who’s quite the skanky whore herself. But are you gonna give me some free cash too?? Like 250 big ones? The problems have already started for you sister! Bwahahahaha!


Michelle March 20, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Are you kidding me??? I would pay you an OBSCENE amount of money to kick my ass into shape. You’d be the elite of the elite trainer by the time we were finished…


Suzanne @WorkoutNirvana March 20, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Aw nice. And thanks for the linky. Juicy cheek kiss…


Kris @Krazy_Kris March 21, 2011 at 10:21 am

Ah Michelle – you are da’ bomb! I would love to be highly overpaid to do anything! You are so sweet. Among my talents…. I could plant blooming tulips (which will make anyone sigh at the beauty), I could be a buddy climbing up and down stairs and carry the towel at the same time (no more than that cuz I’m not that coordinated), I can assemble a mean chicken yogurt salad (it requires using a knife, so I count that as cooking), and I could organize your shoes (I’m very particular – I would color coordinate and arrange by height)… Sooooo – those are my qualifications – my disclaimer? I like to cuss, so if that’s a problem… hehehe xoxooxxo


ragemichelle March 22, 2011 at 8:38 am

Hell, if you DIDN’T cuss, I would pay you less. I would hire you for all those things, except the towel carrying. I could carry my own towel.

Would LOVE the tulips. I love tulips.


Lisa December 31, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Quitting my job is #1. And going back to school is #2! Then I’d open my own non-profit cat shelter. :)


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