I’d be turning in my resignation.
We have a large group of people at work who pitch in and play the lottery together. I KNOW that the lottery is a voluntary tax on stupid people. I KNOW that it makes just as much sense to set my money on fire.
Someone is gonna win, right?
What if it happened? What if I won some obscene amount of money? Would it be easier to get into shape?
I don’t require much. I don’t care about showy furniture. I don’t care about designer clothes. Well, except for shoes. Although, even if I won millions of dollars I wouldn’t spend hundreds of dollars on a pair of shoes. That’s just fucking stupid. Here’s some advice from your Aunt Michelle: If you MUST have the designer shoes, then eBay is your friend.
Anyway, I would build a new house. Not a huge one. We don’t require a lot of space, but I need two very specific bathrooms. One bathroom would be the size of my current living room. There would be lots of marble with a vichy shower and a tub the size of a small lap pool. The other bathroom would be all pink and black with a huge, round black tub up on a pedestal. This the the more important of the two bathrooms. I’ve had recurring dreams about the pink and black bathroom for years. I have NEVER been able to take a bath in that bathtub. I always forget about it until after I’ve showered in a different room, so it sits there unused. In my dreams, the bathtub is always dust filled. I want to take fucking bath in that fucking black bathtub.
I would spend a LOT of money on travel. I don’t need 20K a night hotel rooms or anything, but I would travel in style. I would see it all.
But I digress. Aside from hiring a personal trainer, a chef, accommodating my bathroom fetish, and attending the Cannes Film Festival, I would have a shit TON of fun giving my money away.
Randy and I have had actual arguments over this. He is of the opinion that it’s our money and fuck everyone else. Selfish bastard. Not me, I would LOVE to give away money. The kind of money that changes lives.
There are four categories:
- Immediate family. There is no set amount for immediate family. I have family members that handing them a million dollars would be akin to handing them a loaded gun and pointing it at their head for them. So, no set amount. Bills would be paid, houses would be bought, and trust funds would be established. They would never have to work again. Except for my kids. I don’t want them to be slugs. They would have to do SOMETHING for their money.
- Favored friends. This is a set amount. I have a list of around 15 – 20 people that get an automatic 250K. With the understanding they can never ask for more, cause fuck em.
- The third category is a small one and VERY specific. These are the people that (if I give them buckets of money), it will totally fuck over someone I DON’T like. I LOVE this category. Right now, there is only one person in it. She would receive 500K; enough for her to quit her job. THEN..the bosses would have to acknowledge how much they counted on her. If she was gone? They’d be fucked. Serves them right. I would LOVE for this to happen.
- People who I like, but can do with or without. These are people of who I am fond. However, if I never saw them again, I wouldn’t really miss them, either. They get somewhere between 10K and 50K, depending on how much I like them.
Then there is THIS list. The list of people who would get NOTHING. Plus, I would mock them. It’s not a long list, but it would be wildly satisfying.
Anyway, it’s nice to dream, right? I’m sure Billy Blanks or Jillian Michaels could be had for the right price. I bet they could whip my ass into shape in no time. Or really, I bet I know people online who would LOVE to be wildly overpaid to kick my ass. And a cook? One couldn’t be that hard to find, right?
So how about you? What would you do with a spare 200 million?
Oh..and this post was inspired by my friend, the skanky whore.