I hurt my shoulder months ago. I had an unofficial diagnosis of impinged rotator cuff injury. I did some exercises. I iced it down. It started feeling better, problem solved.
Then I started elliptisucking. While the elliptical seems to be working wonders on my ass, it seems to have awakened the shoulder injury; with a vengeance.
Anyway, I got an MRI and the imaging center, very generously, sent home a disk with all my shoulder images. They told me to wait. The doctor would contact me in 3 or 4 days with results.
3 or 4 days? What the fuck? I had the fucking disk in my hand. Why would it take the doctor 3 or 4 days to look at my pain pictures. I could have deliver said pictures to his office on my way home.
So, I did want any normal person would do. I googled® ‘How to read an MRI for a torn rotator cuff’. In two and half minutes, I got all the medical training I needed. I saw images, read explanations, and I had a thorough understanding of how to look for a tear in my rotator cuff. What the hell is up with going to medical school for 8 years? It took me less than five minutes.
Anyway, in my professional opinion, I did NOT have a torn rotator cuff. What I had was…a duck. Seriously. There was an eye, a beak, and a little duck shaped head. I had a duck in my shoulder.
One of the other images? Yeah, pretty sure I saw the Sea of Tranquility. Hence, my proof the lunar landings were a hoax. Apparently, they filmed those landings in my shoulder. Ducks and moons aside, I did not see, in ANY of the images, a tear. If I were completely honest, I would have to admit that I didn’t look at all 100 or so images. I got bored after 20. I’m pretty sure, though, that I saw the 20 main ones. No tears.
After FIVE days, the doctor called with the results. As it turns out, he thinks I have a small tear. Perhaps, I need more than 2 1/2 minutes of medical training.
I go see a surgeon today. I’m not sure yet if surgery is required. I hope no surgery. Because, and I’ve been told OVER AND OVER, that rotator cuff surgery is the MOST PAINFUL surgery ever. Why do people DO that? Is it really necessary to tell someone who has a potentially painful recovery just how horrible it’s going to be? I’ll find out all on my own. I don’t need the horrid anticipation. I wasn’t expecting cotton candy and multiple orgasms, but damn, the WORST PAIN EVER? I don’t want that.
Who is going to do my hair and makeup? I can’t do hair and makeup with my left hand. I’ll put my eye out. Also, going out in public looking like the crypt keeper is not an option. What about driving to work with my left hand only? I’m pretty sure I’d be a traffic hazard. Oh, I’m a computer programmer. Typing will not be easy. What about my blog? This shit doesn’t write itself, you know.
As I’ve said before, my husband has lost a shit ton of weight. He is pretty diligent with maintaining a good diet. I am not as good at that. So, to make up for my diet foibles, I work my ass off. How am I going to do that if I’m dealing with the WORST PAIN EVER? I’ll get fat again. Or, I’ll have to be a little less sloppy with my diet.
By the way, if any of you have had this surgery, I don’t want to hear about your horrible and painful recovery.
Unless, recovery really does involve multiple orgasms and cotton candy.
Duck Update – Hooray, I don’t have a rotator cuff tear. The diagnosis? Bursitis with a small muscle tear (not torn from the bone and easily re-habbed).
A very nice, somewhat sadistic, doctor drilled a needle into my shoulder and injected me with who-the-hell-knows-what. Certainly, the liquid wasn’t tequila because it hurts.
As an added bonus, he assured me the pain would worsen tomorrow. Wait a damn minute! Shots are supposed to make you feel better, aren’t they? Even worse, it’ll be Friday night!
In the end, I learned a couple things.
- I’ll rehab my bursitis inflamed shoulder 3 times a day for 4 weeks.
- I can read an MRI scan of my duck.