I do.
I also have definitive proof that the lunar landings were a hoax.
I hurt my shoulder months ago. I had an unofficial diagnosis of impinged rotator cuff injury. I did some exercises. I iced it down. It started feeling better, problem solved.
Then I started elliptisucking. While the elliptical seems to be working wonders on my ass, it seems to have awakened the shoulder injury; with a vengeance.
Anyway, I got an MRI and the imaging center, very generously, sent home a disk with all my shoulder images. They told me to wait. The doctor would contact me in 3 or 4 days with results.
3 or 4 days? What the fuck? I had the fucking disk in my hand. Why would it take the doctor 3 or 4 days to look at my pain pictures. I could have deliver said pictures to his office on my way home.
So, I did want any normal person would do. I googled® ‘How to read an MRI for a torn rotator cuff’. In two and half minutes, I got all the medical training I needed. I saw images, read explanations, and I had a thorough understanding of how to look for a tear in my rotator cuff. What the hell is up with going to medical school for 8 years? It took me less than five minutes.
Anyway, in my professional opinion, I did NOT have a torn rotator cuff. What I had was…a duck. Seriously. There was an eye, a beak, and a little duck shaped head. I had a duck in my shoulder.
One of the other images? Yeah, pretty sure I saw the Sea of Tranquility. Hence, my proof the lunar landings were a hoax. Apparently, they filmed those landings in my shoulder. Ducks and moons aside, I did not see, in ANY of the images, a tear. If I were completely honest, I would have to admit that I didn’t look at all 100 or so images. I got bored after 20. I’m pretty sure, though, that I saw the 20 main ones. No tears.
After FIVE days, the doctor called with the results. As it turns out, he thinks I have a small tear. Perhaps, I need more than 2 1/2 minutes of medical training.
I go see a surgeon today. I’m not sure yet if surgery is required. I hope no surgery. Because, and I’ve been told OVER AND OVER, that rotator cuff surgery is the MOST PAINFUL surgery ever. Why do people DO that? Is it really necessary to tell someone who has a potentially painful recovery just how horrible it’s going to be? I’ll find out all on my own. I don’t need the horrid anticipation. I wasn’t expecting cotton candy and multiple orgasms, but damn, the WORST PAIN EVER? I don’t want that.
Who is going to do my hair and makeup? I can’t do hair and makeup with my left hand. I’ll put my eye out. Also, going out in public looking like the crypt keeper is not an option. What about driving to work with my left hand only? I’m pretty sure I’d be a traffic hazard. Oh, I’m a computer programmer. Typing will not be easy. What about my blog? This shit doesn’t write itself, you know.
As I’ve said before, my husband has lost a shit ton of weight. He is pretty diligent with maintaining a good diet. I am not as good at that. So, to make up for my diet foibles, I work my ass off. How am I going to do that if I’m dealing with the WORST PAIN EVER? I’ll get fat again. Or, I’ll have to be a little less sloppy with my diet.
By the way, if any of you have had this surgery, I don’t want to hear about your horrible and painful recovery.
Unless, recovery really does involve multiple orgasms and cotton candy.
Duck Update – Hooray, I don’t have a rotator cuff tear. The diagnosis? Bursitis with a small muscle tear (not torn from the bone and easily re-habbed).
A very nice, somewhat sadistic, doctor drilled a needle into my shoulder and injected me with who-the-hell-knows-what. Certainly, the liquid wasn’t tequila because it hurts.
As an added bonus, he assured me the pain would worsen tomorrow. Wait a damn minute! Shots are supposed to make you feel better, aren’t they? Even worse, it’ll be Friday night!
In the end, I learned a couple things.
- I’ll rehab my bursitis inflamed shoulder 3 times a day for 4 weeks.
- I can read an MRI scan of my duck.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post! I too think I have a tear in my rotater cuff that flares up every once in a while, but haven’t gone to have an MRI. Maybe I just have a duck, too. Or bursitis. Or a duck with bursitis.
I would definitely get it checked out. If you have to get the cortisone shot, it doesn’t feel GREAT, but it’s also nowhere near THE WORST PAIN EVER. Or, you could just get the MRI and send it to me (as I’ve had training) and would be happy to give you a diagnosis gratis. Who knows? Perhaps, YOU have a swan.
You should really see a quack about that duck in your shoulder!
Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Ha ha, Not Bob. You are very clever!
Recovering from shoulder surgery still – it takes a full year for your shoulder to heal from injury. (I had a SLAP lesion-a tear, but not a torn rotator cuff. Still hurt like hell and still would not have healed without surgery. And NO, it wasn’t the most painful surgery ever.)
Follow your doctor’s advice. And Mine? Stop using the moving handles on the elliptical. In fact, get to the point that you don’t hold on at all. You’ll burn more calories going slower by doing so and eliminate a whole lot of repetitive injury risks.
All good advice. I’m just impatient. And I want it to just go away.
It’s not, though. Yes, I’ll be elliptisucking without the arms for a while. I’ll talk to the PT and find out what he/she says about it next week. I’m kind of excited about that. I’m gonna ask them to work up a full body work out for me. Dunno if they will, but it doesn’t hurt to ask, right?
No way! I’m pretty sure the most painful surgery ever is hemorrhoid surgery.
HA HA HA!!
At least I don’t have to worry about that. And I don’t hope I ever have to. Oh fuck! Now, I’m worried.
Glad you do not need surgery. I’d also look into seeing a massage therapist or chiropractor if you can swing it budget-wise. I once had a massage therapist tell me she thought those shots caused as much harm as they did good for a few patients, and that she could help a person faster than the shots would, for less money and less pain. Of course, she could have been a duck in disguise. Hmm…would explain why she liked rainy days so much.
The shot, so far, has done a WORLD of good. I’m looking forward to the PT next week.
Massage therapy would be nice..don’t think the insurance covers it, though.
I do NOT use elliptisucks with those unwieldly handles. First, b/c they don’t fit my body and it’s an unnatural movement for me. Second, b/c it hurts my damn shoulder! I use the machines without moving arms (who THOUGHT of that weird idea, anyway?) and pump my arms as if I’m running.
You’re gonna be ok and I’m so glad it’s not the worst-case scenario. Just do what the hunky PT says.
I’ll find out Thursday how hunky the PT is.
I love the picture of the duck in this piece, but I’d really love to see the MRI images…even a snapshot???
I’m glad you don’t need surgery. It’s kind of a shame though because I hear that recovery does involve multiple orgasms and cotton candy. Especially with the right dosage of pain meds.
Congrats on discovering your new vocation too. You should totally set up a van outside the mri office and just diagnose people as they come out. No one wants to wait for results. That’s for suckers.
HA HA HA!! This made me laugh out loud.
Honestly, a SMALL part of me was disappointed, not because I thought I’d get cotton candy, but because I was looking forward to NOT having to go to work for a number of weeks. I was willing to accept severe pain, just to get to stay home.
My need to do my hair and makeup overrode that desire. I have priorities.
LOVE the idea about the mobile mri reading unit. I could totally do that. I’d just charge…hmmm $50 a reading? Hell tarot card readers get at least THAT much…and I’m a trained professional.
Glad to hear you didn’t have to have surgery. I don’t know about hemorrhoid surgery, but I know “reinserting” hemorrhoids is horrific!
Worst surgery I ever had was umbilical hernia repair, but a lot of it was the sadistic nursing staff. Three hours after surgery they told me to get up and walk around, but they didn’t tell me how you get out of bed without using abdominal muscles!
So if you ever have to have hernia repair, I’ll keep my mouth SHUT! lol
{ 1 trackback }