Cheater Cheater Pants On Fire

by Michelle on February 11, 2011

You cheat.

You KNOW you cheat. I cheat. My husband cheats. As I’ve recently said, he’s lost 103 lbs in 8 months, but still, he cheats.

Since I am not privy to the diet habits of every human on the planet who is attempting to alter their diet habits, I cannot definitively say that EVERYONE cheats. I’m sure some people stick to a rigid diet 100% of the time. I’m sure there are people who never eat cake, candy, ice cream, cheese cake, baklava, cream horns, donuts, cheesecake, pastries, strudel or danish.

I have an opinion on that, but I hate to offend, so I’ll keep it to myself.

HA HA HA! Who am I kidding? I don’t give a crap about that. To those people, I say..have a fucking piece of birthday cake. Lighten up. You’re gonna die one day. Seriously, a piece of cake is in order.

With that being said, please think about HOW you cheat. If you are gonna cheat (and you know you are), don’t fucking waste it on a Twinkie®. Okay, sure, I have had my Twinkies®. There have been times when a Twinkie® was the perfect snack, but not now; not when I’m trying to lose weight.

The thing about cheating on a diet; you can’t do it often. The cheat HAS TO BE SPECIAL. If a cheat’s special, then it can’t be a fucking Twinkie®.  A Twinkie®, or really, any snack food that comes from a company that begins with ‘host’ and ends with ‘ess’ is low-rent cheating. Don’t waste your extra calories on low-rent cheating. (Unless it’s battered and deep fried. Yes, that is red neck as fuck, but DAMN it’s good).

Personally, I loves me a piece of lemon pound cake from that over-priced coffee house like I love frozen crazy. Still, I would say that was lower middle class cheating.

Have you ever been to a restaurant that serves lava cake that has to be ordered when you order your meal or it won’t be done on time? I have. They rock. That would be middle class cheating.

High class cheating? Grandma’s homemade apple pie. Grandma’s pie is high class cheating (at least I think it would be). All my grandparents are dead. My nice grandma didn’t bake pies. She made some wicked ass fudge and these little cream cheese balls rolled in coconut that would make your tongue hard, but no pie. My mean grandma? I wouldn’t have eaten ANYTHING she cooked without getting a tetanus shot first. I would be willing to bet that you all have someone in your family who makes a killer pie.

THAT is what you wait for. A piece of kick ass pie or a brownie sundae for your birthday. Maybe, a donut that you KNOW just came out of the fryer and is going to melt like butter in your mouth.

Save your cheats for some rocking calories.

Leave the Twinkies® for the skinny people. They’ll catch up sooner or later.

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Lisa February 11, 2011 at 7:55 pm

I cheat every day! Just a little bit…if I didn’t have a little bit each day I’d go NUTS and cheat BIG time!


Michelle February 11, 2011 at 7:58 pm

I’m gonna go ahead and lie and say I DON’T cheat every day. But, I some degree.

But I don’t fucking eat Twinkies anymore. Or was I too hard on twinkies?


Joanna (Madfatwoman) February 11, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Also add Little Debbie to that list!! Do you know that there is almost 500 calories in a honey bun??? One f’in honey bun has the same amount of calories as what I’d eat for my dinner!! RIDICULOUS!!

Now I opt for frozen blueberry yogurt as a “regular” sweet treat. I’m not gonna lie, though, if I’m gonna cheat – I’m going to make it something I’ve been craving… a real doozy… a hot fudge sundae or pecan pie. Haven’t had either in a while, but that’s my cheat of choice. :)


ragemichelle February 12, 2011 at 12:25 pm

My birthday is in two weeks, so I WILL be cheating that day. I’ll get brownies at work and the men in my house BETTER make me a cake, or there will be some birthday pouting going on.

I like sugar free jello with cool whip. Not too many calories or carbs and feels like I’m cheating worse than I really am.


Tina February 12, 2011 at 3:25 pm

I’m a master at cheating and sabatoging my healthy eating plan. Using the excuse that I buy it for my son is a method to ease the guilt. My most common cheat is a burger & fries from any fast food joint because I’m cheap although I know getting these from a sit down place would be tastier.

Donuts also tickle my fancy. It’s those damned colossal donuts at Shopper’s Food Warehouse that constantly sing my name. Whoever named them was a genius because it serves them perfect –they are huge. I don’t intend to live without enjoying these treats every now and then (okay sometimes every week), who knows I could die tomorrow.


ragemichelle February 12, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Yeah, I think this is something a lot of us struggle with. I’m REALLY good at pointing out what you should do.

I’m not quite as good at following my own damn advice.


Lisa February 12, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Aaahahahaha! I don’t do diets. Period. I tried a Twinkie last summer for the first time after oh 10 or 15 years and it was horrific!
I’m with you on the high quality treats. They are not bad for you, although you may not want the extra calories at the time. Fresh goodies without weird additives and preservatives. Chocolapalooooooza!


Michelle February 12, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Again..chocolapalooza sounds like nirvana. Seriously. I want to die there. And yes, fresh is always best, isn’t it?


SOB February 13, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Wow. My cheat is a large container of strawberry yogurt. The whole thing. Sure, have a spoonful and put it back. Mot. Going. To. Happen.

That’s not much of a cheat.

Once or twice a month we hit one of the local restaurants that has a prime rib special, everyday. I love it. All of the trimmings. They even include dessert and that’s my biggest cheat. I have them wrap it to go. It’s not long after we get home and it’s gone.

I don’t eat it with my meal because I’m full.

A great fudge brownie is a great cheat.

I am still losing weight. Slowly. A pound a week but it is weight LOSS and not GAIN (sorry to shout) so my lard ass IS disappearing.


ragemichelle February 13, 2011 at 7:41 pm

A pound a week is a dream come true for most of us in weight loss mode.

Keep it up, SOB. You are one of my heroes.


Wendy July 3, 2011 at 8:25 pm

ah, everyone needs to cheat every so often. I jsut had some kind of chocolate thing that was so rich I had to close my eyes to just breath. It was so awesome. I’m glad I had it. Now, I’m done with it. and I’m happy. Tomorrow is YET ANOTHER barbeque, and I’m sure I’ll eat a bit or two of something else. This is LIFE, not a dress rehersal, so I’ll eat it an carry one. :)


Michelle July 3, 2011 at 8:47 pm

You are so right about this! I LOVE my cheats. :)


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