You Know What We Need? Weight Loss Super Heroes

We (and by ‘we’ I mean all of us who are in weight loss mode) need a comic book. Yep, a comic book with super heroes and super villains. Sexy voluptuous damsels in distress and sexy, strong villains and heroes in unlikely and usually impossible situations. I think that is the element we are missing. If, we had a comic book, we’d lose weight faster.

I can’t draw for shit, but there isn’t any reason I can’t create the characters, right?

So, here we go. Today, we are focusing on the Super Villains.  Villains are more amusing than heroes. I seem to identify better with the villains. 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have admitted that, or at the very least, apologize for it. Not now, though. I don’t give a fuck about things like that any more. Getting older sucks, but so much about it rocks.

OH…and I need a good name for the series. So far, I have Vanity Man and Friends (fucking boring) or Weight Loss Wars (even more fucking boring) Help a girl out, would you? Come up with something more clever. Apparently, I’ve used all mine up.

Without further ado, here are the super villains:

Elliptisuck

Elliptisuck is especially evil as he doesn’t even have to TOUCH you to hurt you.  If you get within 10 feet of Elliptisuck,  your ass cramps up, your legs will ache, and you will find yourself instantly drenched in buckets of stinky sweat. Not only will you be sweaty with a sore ass, Elliptisuck is ALWAYS in motion; even when he’s standing in one place. He always glides and pumps his arms. Elliptisuck’s like a shark, he can’t stop moving, and that’s a trait which annoys me.

Cake Face

Cake Face is a woman with the face of an angel. Here’s the thing, though, Cake Face isn’t a woman at all. Cake Face is comprised of all the rejected Ace of Cakes, cakes. They called up the skill of every artisan cake decorator, living and dead, and formed cake pieces into a stunning woman made purely from confections.  With a huge chip on her shoulder, Cake Face wants EVERYONE to suffer. Men and woman are powerless against her sugary, sweet good looks. Overweight women and tubby men feel compelled to hold her. Of course, that’s when she strikes. She wraps herself around her victims causing their hips to swell to an alarming size. Sadly, the victims always find the experience rather dry, crumbly, and not nearly as tasty as they hope.

Food Photography Man

Food Photography Man is that COMPLETE asshole who takes pictures of food. He makes food look like it will change your life (if only you could have just one bite).  We get suckered in luscious pictures and find ourselves devouring food that not only LOOKS like shit, but tastes like shit as well. Food Photography Man is the evil wizard in the weight loss wars. He is hard to combat because he’s friendly and witty and generally a lot of fun to be around. Frankly, that’s how this bastard      works his dark mojo. He, very charmingly, through photography magic, gets you to eat food that is gonna make your face puffy and your thighs all jiggly.

Lazy Boy and Sofa Girl

They are insidious. LB and SG seem harmless, but if this duo gets into your home, you’ll find corn chips under your couch pillows, uncleaned spills that are left until your carpet has the consistency of crunchy, dry wheat cereal. Plus, you have to listen to the constant drone of bickering about whose turn it it to pick the program to watch. This duo will drive you batshit crazy until your ONLY recourse is to drown your sorrows in hot chocolate with marshmallows and chocolate peanut butter right out of the jar. Regardless of where you live or how many times you move, as long as you have a television, then you are at risk of visit from this slovenly pair. Anyone who actually refers to their family room as a ‘man cave’ deserve a visit from Lazy Boy and Sofa Girl.

PMDD Woman

21 days each month, PMDD Woman is a super hero. She’s thoughtful, creative, loving, and wise. 7 days a month, however, she is the most feared and deadly of the weight loss super villains. She will carve your heart out with a spoon for even the most minor infraction. Park in a space she deemed as hers at the super market? She will run your ass over with your own shopping cart. Of course, you MIGHT get lucky. She is just as likely to spend her 7 days curled in a fetal position, cuddling one of her son’s toxic gym shoes and crying about what a bad mother she is. She thrives on comfort food. If you find yourself squaring off on scary PMDD woman offer her macaroni and cheese. The kind with the crispy bread crumb topping. Or, disguise yourself as Paula Deen. She will probably build you a shrine.