Am I the only one who fantasizes about a new and exciting job? I couldn’t possibly be the only one, right?
I’m holding out for Princess Of The World or Movie Star.
Which got me to thinking, we just don’t see a whole hell of a lot of fat movie characters, do we? So, I decided that I would create the DEFINITIVE list of the best Fat Movie Characters EVER. I was going to do 10, but since we’re talking big people, I thought we needed a big list.
Minor Tangent Alert
Speaking of lists. My husband has a true love/hate relationship with ‘best of’ lists. Usually revolving around music. Best albums of all time, greatest guitarists of all time, etc. I always know when he’s reading these articles because I will hear a variation of this sentence “London Calling is number 89 and Sgt Pepper’s is number 8? This author is an IDIOT”.
I honestly believe that he doesn’t want to agree with the ‘best of’ writers. Where is the fun in that? I think he has way more fun feeling superior.
Without further ado:
The Greatest Fat Movie Characters of All Time
12. Lardass Hogan – Movie: Stand By Me. Lardass was a character that Gordie Lachance made up and told his friends the story around a campfire. This movie came out just before I got pregnant with my first son. When I was VERY pregnant, I had two male co-workers who made the BOOM BADA BOOM BADA noises when I walked by them, just like Lardass heard when he walked across the stage for the pie eating contest. This is actually a fond memory for me.
11. Robert Paulson aka Bob with the bitch tits – Movie: Fight Club. It’s Meatloaf. With boobies! How can you NOT love this character? Or maybe it’s just me.
10. Chunk – Movie: The Goonies. The truffle shuffle never ceases to be amusing.
9. Roberta Hertzel – Movie: About Schmidt. Kathy Bates. Naked in a hot tub. I am endlessly impressed by this. She is my hero.
8. Walter Sobchak – Movie: The Big Lebowski. John Goodman. It was close, I almost picked John Goodman as the cyclops character in O Brother Where Art Thou, but The Big Lebowski won out.
7. Del Griffith – Movie: Planes, Trains & Automobiles. John Candy was so funny and so sad, both at the same time.
6. Matron Mama Morton – Movie: Chicago. Queen Latifah just kicks ass, no matter WHAT she does. I don’t care WHAT movie she’s in, even if it’s a BAD movie, she still rocks. Especially in this movie.
5. Tracy Turnblad – Movie: Hairspray. Ricki Lake was a badass in this movie. She was bold and ballsy and she loved herself. She could be the perfect role model for fat girls everywhere.
4. Bluto – Movie: Animal House. I might also include this on a top ten list for best movie. John Belushi was a funny motherfucker.
3. Fat Bastard – Movie: Austin Powers movies. I let my son watch the Austin Powers movies when he was very young. As a consequence, at age four, I had to witness him tell the girl cutting his hair (and everyone in the salon) ALL about fat bastard. You reap what you sow, right?
2. Colonel Kurtz – Movie: Apocalypse Now. Okay, yes, I can see the argument for him being number one, but it’s my list, so Marlon is relegated to the number two spot. Even though I have to say that this is one of the best characters in any movie. Fat or not.
1. Mr. Creosote – Movie: Monty Python’s the Meaning of Life. Again, it was when I was pregnant with my first son. I saw this movie in the theater. I was as round as I was tall at the time. When this scene came on, I had to SPRINT from my seat or I was in danger of setting off a similar chain reaction. Now that I’m NOT pregnant, I can appreciate this so much more. It’s only wafer thin.
So, there you have it. Top twelve fat characters of all time.
Line up in an orderly fashion to present your arguments regarding characters left off the list. Or arguments regarding the ones included.
Either way, we need more REAL people in our movies. There are a lot more of us than there are the ridiculously skinny.
Does anyone know who I call about that job, by the way? I’d like to work with Antonio Banderas or George Clooney.