Sweaty Yoga

by Michelle on August 28, 2013

So..I got a Groupon.

I have way too many stories that start with that sentence. Too often they turn out horrible. In one case ending with slightly disfiguring injury but that’s another story.

I bought a month’s worth of hot yoga classes in May. My groupon was going to expire next week, so I finally went last night. yoga

I parked my car just in time to see a young, lithe blond girl with her yoga mat enter the facility and had that moment of panic that I get every time I start a new exercise class.

Fuckity fuck. I am going to be the oldest and the fattest girl in there.

Then I reminded myself that I ALWAYS think that and that I’m NEVER right and besides, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I show up.

Turns out, it wasn’t an irrational fear this time. I was by far and away the largest and oldest girl in the class. There was ONE old guy. By ‘old’, I mean he was my age. He just wasn’t aging as well as I am.

Here are the initial mistakes I made:

I did not bring a towel. This was a fairly significant mistake as the room was heated to a zillion degrees and I was sweating like a wildebeest before the class even started.

I put my hair in a ponytail at the crown of my head instead of the nape. So…coming out of many of the poses, my pony tail was flipped over the top of my head and into my face. I looked like cousin It’s balding cousin.

I took an intermediate class when I am clearly NOT intermediate.

I took a hot yoga class.

We started the class by clearing our minds and deciding what we were going to dedicate our practice to. Would it be a loved one? Peace? Contentment? I dedicated last night’s practice to my left ass cheek. I am pretty sure it did not appreciate it and worked against me for most of the class. The right one was in cahoots.

I could do around 60% of the poses and probably less than half of those had proper form. I got downward facing dog. I can do that one. I was in the pose and the shadow on the yoga mat looked like I had no neck. I immediately heard my husband talking in his Jabba The Hut voice and I started to snicker which made me choke on the sweat that was running down my face and into my mouth.

She would get into a pose and then say “Another option, is to…” And that was always my option. Even some of the ‘easy’ options were out of my reach, so instead, I would just watch through a stream of sweat which is an interesting effect, but it burns a bit.

If you can, raise both hands and feet from your yoga mat and defy gravity by hovering over your mat for three breaths. Now, flip, still hovering, and hold that back bend for another three breaths.

I took that to mean: Count the number of sweat drops on your mat while guzzling water and stare at the other people in the class without really staring.

The class was 75 minutes long. I made it for 57 minutes. I was GOING to just sit quietly and sweat until the class was over, but I realized that even sitting there, that swimmy, light headed feeling wasn’t going away, so I quietly rolled up my mat and left the room.

I have never appreciated air conditioning more than I did the moment I hit the lobby.

I sat in one of their chairs, unabashedly sweating on their upholstery, when the door opened and the old guy came out. He looked at me and said ” Holy shit, I’m glad you walked out. I was too afraid to leave”.

Yeah, I’m a bad ass like that.

I’m going to go back because I’m stubborn and I paid for it. I think I’ll stick with the beginner, NON heated class. At least for a few weeks.

Then I’m going to take my sweating like a wildebeest, Jabba The Hut self back to that class and make it through the whole 75 minutes.

I’m going to bring a towel.





Bicycle Built For Two

by Michelle on August 25, 2013

You know how you get a really good idea and you’re sure it’s going to work out just as you envisioned?

Well, Randy and I decided to go for a bike ride this morning at the Loveland bike trail. It’s a LOVELY trail. Also, when I say ‘we decided’ what I really mean is ‘Randy reluctantly agreed to go’.

I thought a tandem bike would be fun! How hard can it be? It’s a fucking bicycle and bicycles are not hard!bike

As I try to write this, Randy is watching Do The Right Thing at a fairly high volume. My brain is trying to focus on this blog post, but then it hears Samuel L Jackson and perks up. Besides, Mookie and John Turturro are arguing and that shit is funny,

These are phrases spoken by Randy within 6  minutes of getting on the tandem bike:

“I am not enjoying this AT ALL”.

“This is really stressful”.

“Is the tire flat”?

I thought we were going to die. He was so tensed up that he was having a hard time controlling the bike. He also would randomly put the brakes on without telling me. I would be pedaling along, happy as a bike riding clam, when BLAM my pedals would freeze up. After a few shocks like that, I got a little annoyed.

One of the people I talk to on Twitter said that where they are from, they call tandem bikes ‘divorce bikes’.

I’m listening to Danny Aiello talk and that makes me think of the Papa Don’t Preach video and that makes think about Madonna. People are so fucking mean about Madonna. I think she looks incredible.

We made it about 20 minutes before giving up and trading our tandem bike in for two cruisers.

I suppose we should have considered the fact that Randy hasn’t been on a bicycle in 35 years. I probably should have insisted he got one with training wheels.

All in all, it was a beautiful morning. We also decided that we need to do this more often and buy our own bikes.

Not a tandem bike.





My Sugar Hubris

August 18, 2013

I re-read the blog post I wrote a few years ago about giving up sugar. It’s just soooooooooo fucking easy, right? No. It’s not remotely easy. I’ve been reading a lot about sugar withdrawal and my favorite articles are the ones that assert that there is no such thing as sugar withdrawal. HAHAHFUCKINGHAHAHA. Also, fuck […]

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60 Days

August 12, 2013

I didn’t know I was giving up sugar today. I’ve given it up before. I felt GREAT when I dumped sugar. That went by the wayside a couple years ago. I PLANNED to give it up again. REALLY! I was going to ANY day now. Except I didn’t. I had thyroid cancer many years ago. […]

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Start A New Exercise Routine In 5 Easy Steps

August 5, 2013

Feeling stagnant? Or swollen? No energy? Do you find it difficult to find the remote to your Roku? Well..not so much FIND it as fetch it? Why is it by the TV anyway? Doesn’t that negate the purpose of a remote? Also, if you have a Roku, I suggest naming your remote Bee Boop..because that […]

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Blink A Few Times

July 31, 2013

And decades pass you by. Dirty Dancing is 26 years old. The baby ‘M’ case is 26 years old. I wonder if ‘M’ has kids of her own by now? The stock market fell 508 points 26 years ago. I worked for an investment company at the time, so that was interesting. Prozac made it’s […]

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50 Things That Are Better Than A Cubicle

July 28, 2013

The lottery is up again. We have a pool at work, but we only buy tickets when it reaches a certain amount. The inevitable conversations start about ‘what I will do with my share’. There is always a person, or even more than one, that states “I’d still come to work, because if I didn’t, […]

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It’s Absolutely NOT A Dirty Word

July 22, 2013

Since when did Feminsim become a bad word? Personally, I don’t understand how any human doesn’t identify with feminism and I really do not comprehend how a female won’t call herself a feminist. Social and economic equality. What in the fuck is WRONG with that? You guys really DO understand that the word ‘feminism’ has […]

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If You Can’t Run, Adapt

July 20, 2013

I would LOVE to blame the fact that I didn’t run the whole way on my first 5k on that fact that I dropped a can of baked beans on my toe, but the truth is, I couldn’t run the whole thing because I couldn’t run the whole thing. I did run a LITTLE of […]

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Blue Days, Black Nights

July 14, 2013

Props to Buddy Holly as I stole from him for this blog post title. I don’t know if it’s normal old lady hormones or a lifetime of battling depression in one form or another, but I’ve been circling the drain for a while now. Today is the last day of a four day weekend and […]

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